Author: BetteRocker

There has been so much going on that I haven’t had a chance to sit down with my thoughts to really write about some of the things that I’ve been thinking about.

So, I’m back. Like I never left. (This has to be one of my favorite phrases. Thank you, Macklemore) 🙂

So, I want to share something I’m not too proud of. The other day I threw a fit. I mean, an actual fit. It wasn’t my finest moment. I was in a situation that I didn’t know how to get out of and it made me feel super uncomfortable. It turned on my fight/flight switch and off we went…It’s funny, though. After all the fight I put up, and all the imaginary scenarios where I got up and walked out, none of it seemed to matter. A lot of energy went into that entire situation and in the end, I faced it head on because I didn’t think there was anything else to do. I felt defeated. It hurt. It was uncomfortable. And I was angry. I got over it, to say the least. It was a fight that I didn’t need to fight and, honestly, maybe if I didn’t act like such a coward sometimes, I would have avoided that completely and realized that I can do everything. I would have realized that what had made me scared and uncomfortable was just old feelings creeping in to my new life.

Now let’s go back to that word, coward. It has such a negative connotation to it but it’s fitting. Now, don’t read too much into that. I just think it’s a good word for my current situation. A coward is a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things. Sometimes this is me. Lately, it’s been a lot me. I’ve realized this, though. I’ve gotten lazy. I’ve let things slide and become comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. I’ve lost a little of that gumption that tells you that you can do anything that you set your mind to. I know it’s there but it’s hiding. Like a coward. So again, not a terrible word, just fitting.

I don’t want to be a coward. I don’t want to make excuses for not enduring things that I may think are unpleasant at the time. This is not the goal. The goal is to learn to be strong, try new things, and be someone I’m proud of. I got this. I’ve endured a lot and I’ve avoided a lot. I don’t want to avoid anymore. I want to be different. I want to be someone who doesn’t beat themselves up about things that they have done, not done, or even had no control over. I know that this person is in me. I’ve seen/been this person before. She was not a coward. She was in charge of herself and knew exactly what she wanted. She had goals and tried everything to get to her goals.

So how do you become that person again? You just do it. You change your habits, surround yourself with people who lift you up and not hold you down, you have that conversation with yourself about what is important to you and how do you get there. Finally, you realize that this person, that you are so desperately trying to become again, has always made you feel the happiest so it’s so important to find her again.

Quit Measuring Your Progress Using Someone Else’s Ruler

A few weeks ago I can across this quote in a book I was reading. In the moment, my reaction was minimal…until I kept taking myself back to it. It had hit home. Honestly, I will admit that in the beginning of this journey, and I’m still learning, I tried to compare myself to a lot of people. It was never a good outcome. I never ended up measuring up. I think that this changed with time, though. I realized that my progressions and my milestones weren’t the same as others so it became easier to shy away from that mentality. Also, I think what helped was surrounding myself with people who had some of the same ambitions, although all on different levels, as me.

I slowly learned that their progressions are their progressions and their milestones will always be different than mine. That’s a breath of fresh air to think of. It lifts a heavy burden of having to measure up to people when it’s not necessary.

So, why the need to talk about it now? Well, I’m falling back into the bad habit of comparing myself to others but not in the traditional sense, not to the people around me. I’ve been guilty of comparing my current self to my past self. You see, right now, I’m very stuck, physically. I can’t feel that same range of motion that I had months ago. The same range of motion that I was so proud of and had worked hard to get. I mean, many factors go into this feeling. I’ve been hurt a few times and my body feels restricted because of it. Also, I know that I’m not feeling my best because of my lack of sleep, my nutrition, and my stress levels. It’s making me feel very vulnerable and uncomfortable. But I realized something after having a talk with Carlos, my trainer, these aren’t steps backwards that I’m taking , these are just part of the process. He helped me see that. I may have always known that, but we are our own worst critic.

I think one of the biggest things for me in attacking this whole lifestyle change is to handle the mental first. I got this advice from Carlos. I didn’t know this. There is no instruction manual when it comes to becoming a better version of yourself. Man, I really wish there was. I have no experiences to draw upon or any idea on what important questions to ask as I go through this journey. It seems like most of things that I learn along the way are just accidentally learned. Honestly, I had no idea just how much adversity, perseverance, and heart had a say in one’s journey for better health.

Over the last few months, I’ve had some ups and downs. Lately it seemed to be that the downs were more than the ups but I’ve really tried to be much better to myself. I finally realized, though, that these phases are what make us. The true test of change is how we grow from it. How we perceive ourselves is everything and how we talk to ourselves is something that no one can take away from us so make it powerful and positive. I’ve truly never appreciated it because I didn’t know what that really meant. I didn’t know that you could really be kind to yourself while going through such an exhausting but amazing transformation, inside and out.

Which brings me to the reason I chose the title of this post.

One of the things I focus a lot on are things that I’m not. This is definitely a curse when it comes to trying to evolve into something that you never knew you wanted to be. My mind has shifted so much over the last two years and has gone through phases where I feel nothing but pure joy in the process of change and where I feel completely unhappy with the process of change.

Again, there is a something to be said about the feeling of uneasiness and happiness. It brings a lot of light to certain areas of your life that you may not have focused on before. For instance, I’ve never considered myself a writer, but I am a writer. Over the last 2 years, I’ve documented my journey as an outlet but I’ve grown to love the ability to just write out what I’m feeling for anyone to read. Although this type of activity doesn’t look like it has anything to do with my journey, it does. It’s given me the ability to relive my thoughts and feelings and have them at my fingertips to revisit at anytime. Such an amazing thing to have especially when you need that reminder of how hard you have worked or even how much you’ve changed.

You know, it’s funny because when I started my journey I had one goal–weight loss. Actually, let’s take it back even before that. My goal before weight loss was just sticking with something long enough to where I didn’t think there was a chance of quitting…after that, then the one goal became weight loss. But things have shifted. My goal has grown to become even more than that. It’s spilled over into fitness and mental growth. It’s opened up dreams of being things that I’ve never been or never thought I could be. It’s opened opportunities of new adventures, body acceptance, and even growth mindset. It’s pushed me to believe that even I could be an athlete.

Then I realized something. I’m already an athlete. I’m a novice, but still, an athlete. They perform, they study, they practice. They train. They push themselves. They compete. These are all things athletes do. I perform, I study, I practice. When I walk into PlyoFit, I push myself. I train hard. I become someone that I have never been and I compete against myself, every time. I lose and I win some, but each time, I perform like an athlete. It’s taken me a lot of time to realize that even though I don’t fit the athlete-type mold, I still have all these characteristics that make one up. I love this. This is what I have craved for so long. I’ve realized that this isn’t me TRYING to do things anymore. This is me ACTUALLY doing things. This is me giving myself a little bit of credit for even trying. Most importantly, this is me still learning how to be an athlete, not only physically, but mentally. This is me becoming someone who is proud of themselves, failures and all.

If you know me, you know that I’m constantly driving. Going to work, go to the gym, going to my mom’s, going home, etc. I’ve never minded at all because I liked the mood it puts me in. It relaxes me, for the most part, even when I’m late to something. I’ve always been a big believer in “it’ll still be there when you get there,” not that I run tardy all the time…I just never really let anything get to me too much. I like to put on some good music, roll down the windows, and pretend I have no cares in the world. These are all the positives to being on the road all the time but earlier today, I realized that I had been letting my drives dictate how my day was going to go. This wasn’t good only because lately I’ve noticed there has been a lot of negative talk when I’m by myself. It had been happening more and more it seems, but today, I realized that I’m no longer putting up with it. I’m better than this. I deserve better than this.

Let me elaborate…Today, I woke up, made breakfast for me and Matt, ate breakfast, read a little, got ready for the gym, texted Melissa about meeting up, got in my truck and took off to PlyoFit. Good morning, so far.

I drove off, all alone with my own thoughts. Here lies the issue. I started to think, which led to a whole lot of no good. That lasted a whole two minutes and then I realized that I was being unfair to myself. I was taking these moments of freedom and enjoyment and caging myself into my own self-doubt and cornering myself only to beat myself up. It started out with a desperate attempt to make excuses about things that I didn’t need excuses about and ended with creating issues that weren’t even issues. Making up scenarios involving people that I trust and know have my back and thinking they only see disappointment in me. I realized that this isn’t true. Those two minutes of lies that I created on my own were enough to start second guessing myself and beating myself up mentally.

Then I remembered that I deserved better. I told myself that I was creating issues that were non-existent. I was, essentially, creating other peoples’ opinions about me that are probably not even close to being true. I’m slowly learning how to talk to myself positively now because that is what I deserve. I’m slowly understanding that I’m good. I’m realizing that when people tell me good things, it’s because that is how they feel. Also, I’ve realized that I feel so much better about myself when all of those negative thoughts get tossed out. It’s taken me a long time and a lot of advice from some good people to get to this point. Although, I may need that reminder every now and then, not to be too hard on myself, I’ve realized that in order to live my life and be proud, I’m going to have to be nicer to myself because I deserve it.

All in all, I’ve been feeling pretty good lately. A shift on how I view myself was inevitable. Maybe this was just a phase I needed to go through. It wasn’t fun especially when you have been playing your own worst enemy for so long. I am done with that now. My goal is to be nicer to myself and celebrate my wins. Be my biggest fan and do it for me.

I’m going to start this entry off with an apology to myself…

I’m sorry that I have made you feel bad about yourself. I’m sorry that I’ve taken accomplishments, as big as boulders, and grinded them down to a small pebble that you can’t even acknowledge and enjoy them. I’m sorry that I haven’t been there for you. And I’m really sorry that I haven’t put in the amount of effort that your heart holds.

In my last post I wrote about my lack of self-esteem and how it was really getting in my way. Honestly, that apology sums up everything that I had been dealing with over the last few months. I am lucky enough to be able to talk things out with a few people who have my back. They believe in me and tell me that I should feel the same way about myself. So, I’ve been trying since I’ve last posted. I’ve made a conscience effort to help myself by picking myself up. I’ve realized that people don’t look at me the way I was looking at myself. The only one that was beating myself up, was me.

I’ve realized that I’m good. I’ve got this. I had become so emotionally drained that I felt like I was fighting a losing battle when it came to believing in myself but that’s not true at all. I think I just let things get the best of me. I was just tired. I was just not sure where to go. I felt defeated but only because I wasn’t sure how to get up. I was done fighting. I wanted to just lay there. This mindset did not make it easy to accomplish anything. As uneasy as it felt, it was comforting. I didn’t need comfort. I needed to feel uncomfortable.

So, I was thinking about some of the things that I’ve done over the last couple of years that have made me feel my best. These are some of the questions that I have asked myself over and over just to make sure that I’m doing things that are true to me and only me. Questions to make my journey mine and only mine. What do I think of when I thing about being successful? What are some of the actions that I take when I’m being my best self? What makes me happy? What makes me feel comfortable? What drives me out of my comfort zone? What makes me proud of myself? Why do I do these things? Are they for you or for someone else? What makes these things important? How bad do you want it?

This is a slow and tiresome process but I really do feel like a shift has started to happen. For once, I’m truly being honest with myself.

How do you become your biggest fan? How do you convince yourself that you deserve what you work hard for and that you can do everything?

Sometimes it’s hard for me to think like this. Somedays I feel like I can do everything and somedays I feel like I deserve to feel bad about myself. Lately, though, I’ve been having a rough time with self-esteem. I feel like everything I do has no positive impact, whatsoever.

Honestly, I’m not sure where this is coming from. It may just be from being burned out. I’ve pushed myself for so long that I’ve forgotten how to step back and enjoy myself. I’ve forgotten how to relax and keep going for my goals. Instead, I’m focusing on things that really aren’t important.

I’m realizing now that this is going to get me nowhere. Doubting myself is useless. It does nothing but set me back. I need to remember that I can do everything.

Maybe I need to remind myself of some of the things that I’m proud of…I guess there is no better place than here.

I’ve been playing around and telling Carlos about how strong my arms are getting, but honestly, I’m super proud of how much muscle I’ve gained in them. And I mean, super proud. I even made Mario feel my muscles. 😬🤦‍♀️

I’m able to lift heavier things.

My feet feel so much better even when walking long distances.

I have as lot more stamina.

My movements are better, cleaner, and faster. At least that’s how they feel to me.

My pants are too big but I can’t buy the next size yet because I’m not there yet.

My squat is so much better.

I need to remind myself of these things but my brain sometimes gets clogged with all the ugliness and sabotaging ways that I forget.

I need to remember that I can do everything.

This entry comes a little late…

I killed January…workouts were tough, my nutrition was pretty good, and I complained about everything. I even had a little lapse in judgement when I thought I should take a break from it all, but I killed it because I got through it. I may have crawled my way out of January, but I did it, nonetheless.

Seriously, though, the month seemed to drag but it wasn’t bad. I was excited about some things and tired of others. I was exhausted physically but, honestly, I had a good month, for the most part. I was especially excited to start really taking care of things that I had neglected in 2018, like eating healthier. I did that. I ate with purpose in January. I even lost 8 lbs but I’m not focused on that. There is so much more to this journey than that.

I only talk about January because last year was a rough year. I felt very disjointed for a good part of it. Almost like I was floating outside of my body watching myself struggle, but all I could do was watch. I couldn’t help myself. That is so frustrating. All you want to do is be better and be successful but your mental state needs to be ready to do that.

I complain about 2018, but I needed that year. I’m thankful for that year. I needed that year to struggle and think about everything. It gave me the chance to attempt to use all of the tools that I have gained over the last two years and really appreciate them.

It’s funny because this year has been a lot different so far, compared to last year. Right now, I’m really appreciating the things I’m capable of. Honestly, that doesn’t really mean only things that are related to health and fitness but also to just wellness, in general.

One of the things that I’m guilty of is getting caught up in the “what ifs” and the “could’ve beens”. I’d say now more than ever, over the last two years. I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing all of the time but it can hinder a lot of growth. When I get fixated on things that I can’t do or things that I can’t do yet, I forget to keep going. I stand still and forget what I’m working towards. I realized that I did this more often than not so I thought I would try a little exercise to try and break this way of thinking. This time, though, I wanted to include things in my life that were not based on just health and fitness, but overall wellness. I realized that I spent all of my time wishing that I had certain habits, but never really put in the time or effort into having any new ones. I want to create these habits because I know they are good for me and because they will help me to grow and reach those “not so attainable right now” goals.

So, what are my habits that I’m trying to create? I wanted to focus on things that I knew that I needed and would make me better. Also, I decided to track them daily for the next few months. I think this is important because this is the type of learner that I am. Not only am I curious in the outcome of my habit tracking, but I’m positive that it will be my accountability. There is only one thing that I want to make sure I don’t misunderstand. My tracking is not to see what I haven’t done, my tracking is to see what I have done. It’s not a negative but a way to see just how much positive is happening in my life.

Habit 1: Reading—I love to read. I don’t do it enough.

Habit 2: Practicing the piano—I’ve never been an amazing player, but it doesn’t hurt to practice and become the player I’ve always wanted to be.

Habit 3: Drink water—I don’t drink enough. When I do, I see amazing health benefits. I feel more energetic and my skin is a lot better.

Habit 4: Tidy up—Each day I take ten minutes to tidy up. This is nice because each morning I feel more relaxed as I leave the house. I also go to bed with less stress.

Habit 5: Cook dinner—Dinner seems to be the easier meal to buy take-out for so it becomes the less healthy meal. Whether I meal prep or not, I’m going to try and cook dinner.

Habit 6: Workout—This is last on my list because I feel like I’ve already created this habit. I just don’t want to lose it.

I was thinking the other day about how much things have changed over the course of two years. I’d like to think that I started my health journey when I stepped into PlyoFit. It’s crazy to think that such a huge change in my life has been pretty consistent. I’d like to say that the efforts have always been 100% but that’s not reality. But I will say that there has always been effort. Definitely more effort in moving more and, although not as consistent, there has definitely been improvement in my food. I’d like to think that there is definitely improvement in my mindset and self-awareness.

It’s funny because I get so down on myself for not making the right choices, but when I do reflect I can honestly say that I have made such a great choice in just being consistent in what I do with my fitness and nutrition that I am proud of myself.

The other day, Melissa and I were talking about food, as we do sometimes. I mentioned to her about how if only she knew what I ate before I started this journey. And I don’t mean sometimes ate, but I mean, always ate before I started at the gym. My habits were bad. I mean really bad. Something changed overnight, not all overnight, but there was change.

I’ve mentioned before how my sedentary lifestyle has changed completely, but I don’t think I have ever been so specific on my food habits. When I ate before, I didn’t think. I indulged ALL THE TIME. I did it out of habit, depression, stress, celebration, you name it. All of these things, were how I justified it all. Not that I didn’t feel a sort of guilt sometimes. Honestly, I just figured that’s who I was and that’s what I did. That was my role.

I’m not trying to relive my days of bad food habits, but I really feel it’s necessary to reflect back on how things have changed in case you are feeling stuck or in a rut. I’m not at the moment, but it has been on my mind. It can be such a hard thing to write about because once it’s down, it’s out there.

So here goes, most of the time, I ate fast food. I ate out of restaurants. I loved donuts and sweets. Usually not candy but if it was a sweet carb, I was good. It’s funny, because I don’t think that it was where or what I ate, but the amount. My issue has always been portion control. When I would eat a burger, it was two. When I would eat tacos, it wasn’t one. It probably wasn’t two, either. When I ate donuts or pastries, it was always two, maybe three. It’s sad because these were treats that I ate, these were part of my daily diet somehow. I’m not sure where this mentality came from but it was there somehow. My diet soda intake was terrible. If I stopped somewhere at the store to get something there would be something to eat in my bag. It was rare that I would say no to anything. I didn’t eat veggies or fruits. I didn’t drink water.

I know that the amount that I did intake was horrid, but one of my issues was always eating secretly. As a kid, I did this. After school, I was home alone for about an hour or so and I would eat. It didn’t matter what it was. What did matter was quantity. I was going through a lot at the time and it must have made me feel something different than what was really going on. It was something to take my mind of what really was worrying to me during that time. Maybe it was avoidance. I don’t know. Either way, it was a bad habit that stuck with me throughout all my years. The only thing was that as an adult, food was easier to access. I had the cash and I could eat in my car. I still remember there were times when I’d drive home from work and stop at a store only to get some horrible snack or two to eat on the way home, only to go and eat dinner when I got there.

Things have changed, though. I feel like Carlos taught me about self-awareness. I don’t even think I had heard that term before. It turned a light bulb on for me. It really made me analyze my life and how it was going. Not where it was going. It made me think. Bottom line: I was thinking. I wasn’t just doing. I was trying. I was asking myself questions. Really talking to myself. It’s crazy how all it takes is just a push to get onto a new path.

This entry only scratches the surface of my once destructible path once taken. There were so many things that I used to do that I don’t ever want to forget because they are moments to learn from, as painful as they are.

I know I have talked about this before, so here we go again.

It’s been a minute since I have had a major issue with anxiety, but the last couple of times that I have workout, I hit a high level. I will say, though, that at least I was in a positive environment. Maybe that was the reason that I didn’t get too overwhelmed, physically. I know that when things like this happen at Plyofit, I can be open about anything to anyone there. It still felt like I hit a high, though, but I held it in. I didn’t know how to quite explain how I felt because I was a little embarrassed.

I did say something, though.

I think if we all had the choice, we would all like to be more mobile. This is what I want. A huge goal of mine. I want to be able to move faster. I feel like this is slowly happening but it’s such a slow process. It’s nice when you do see improvement but, again, it’s such a slow process.

One of my goals, is to be able to get up from the ground without any type of support. Looking back, I know that I have grown a lot in this area especially since when I walked into Plyofit. I didn’t dare get down on the floor at that time. Even with support, I was just too heavy to get up where there wasn’t a possibility of getting hurt. It probably seems like I’m exaggerating, but I can think back to when I actually tried. I remember getting down on the floor, at my house, only to struggle to get back up. It was bad. I remember one time getting down to the floor so that I could try an exercise out at my house that I probably sat on the floor for a good 20 minutes before I tried to get up again. At the time, I didn’t have anything to hold onto so I had to scoot over to a table in the room to lean on for support. This was about two months after starting PlyoFit and a year before I actually did any floor exercises at PlyoFit.

Of course, that was then. I may be doing floor exercises now but they aren’t my best work. I still have a long way to go before I’m moving quick to get up and down from the floor.

This last weekend, I had an exercise on the floor and when I went to get up, I used the Dynamax ball for support. I always use things for support. Sometimes it’s a dumbbell or a kettlebell or even the wall. Sometimes if I’m by the tire, I’ll use it to help lift myself up. This is what I’m used to. I guess I never told Carlos this because it’s not something that you tell someone. Honestly, before I get on the floor I usually know how I’m going to get up. I search for things around me that I know will help. Well, I’m not sure what prompted me to tell Carlos that I used the Dynamax ball for support but I did. He asked me why and then he told me that I could do it without it. Then he took it from me. My anxiety shot up. I was so uncomfortable and anxious. I got up fast and without any help BUT I felt overwhelmed.

The next day, he did it again. This time, though, it took me longer to attempt to get up without anything only because of my stress level. It was high. I wanted to cry. I was upset at him for pushing me out of my comfort zone. He talked me down and told me that I could do it and that he was there to support me, if I needed it.

I get it, though. He’s right. I can do it without the help. I’m just used to the survival mode.