There has been so much going on that I haven’t had a chance to sit down with my thoughts to really write about some of the things that I’ve been thinking about.
So, I’m back. Like I never left. (This has to be one of my favorite phrases. Thank you, Macklemore) 🙂
So, I want to share something I’m not too proud of. The other day I threw a fit. I mean, an actual fit. It wasn’t my finest moment. I was in a situation that I didn’t know how to get out of and it made me feel super uncomfortable. It turned on my fight/flight switch and off we went…It’s funny, though. After all the fight I put up, and all the imaginary scenarios where I got up and walked out, none of it seemed to matter. A lot of energy went into that entire situation and in the end, I faced it head on because I didn’t think there was anything else to do. I felt defeated. It hurt. It was uncomfortable. And I was angry. I got over it, to say the least. It was a fight that I didn’t need to fight and, honestly, maybe if I didn’t act like such a coward sometimes, I would have avoided that completely and realized that I can do everything. I would have realized that what had made me scared and uncomfortable was just old feelings creeping in to my new life.
Now let’s go back to that word, coward. It has such a negative connotation to it but it’s fitting. Now, don’t read too much into that. I just think it’s a good word for my current situation. A coward is a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things. Sometimes this is me. Lately, it’s been a lot me. I’ve realized this, though. I’ve gotten lazy. I’ve let things slide and become comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. I’ve lost a little of that gumption that tells you that you can do anything that you set your mind to. I know it’s there but it’s hiding. Like a coward. So again, not a terrible word, just fitting.
I don’t want to be a coward. I don’t want to make excuses for not enduring things that I may think are unpleasant at the time. This is not the goal. The goal is to learn to be strong, try new things, and be someone I’m proud of. I got this. I’ve endured a lot and I’ve avoided a lot. I don’t want to avoid anymore. I want to be different. I want to be someone who doesn’t beat themselves up about things that they have done, not done, or even had no control over. I know that this person is in me. I’ve seen/been this person before. She was not a coward. She was in charge of herself and knew exactly what she wanted. She had goals and tried everything to get to her goals.
So how do you become that person again? You just do it. You change your habits, surround yourself with people who lift you up and not hold you down, you have that conversation with yourself about what is important to you and how do you get there. Finally, you realize that this person, that you are so desperately trying to become again, has always made you feel the happiest so it’s so important to find her again.