If you know me, you know that I’m constantly driving. Going to work, go to the gym, going to my mom’s, going home, etc. I’ve never minded at all because I liked the mood it puts me in. It relaxes me, for the most part, even when I’m late to something. I’ve always been a big believer in “it’ll still be there when you get there,” not that I run tardy all the time…I just never really let anything get to me too much. I like to put on some good music, roll down the windows, and pretend I have no cares in the world. These are all the positives to being on the road all the time but earlier today, I realized that I had been letting my drives dictate how my day was going to go. This wasn’t good only because lately I’ve noticed there has been a lot of negative talk when I’m by myself. It had been happening more and more it seems, but today, I realized that I’m no longer putting up with it. I’m better than this. I deserve better than this.
Let me elaborate…Today, I woke up, made breakfast for me and Matt, ate breakfast, read a little, got ready for the gym, texted Melissa about meeting up, got in my truck and took off to PlyoFit. Good morning, so far.
I drove off, all alone with my own thoughts. Here lies the issue. I started to think, which led to a whole lot of no good. That lasted a whole two minutes and then I realized that I was being unfair to myself. I was taking these moments of freedom and enjoyment and caging myself into my own self-doubt and cornering myself only to beat myself up. It started out with a desperate attempt to make excuses about things that I didn’t need excuses about and ended with creating issues that weren’t even issues. Making up scenarios involving people that I trust and know have my back and thinking they only see disappointment in me. I realized that this isn’t true. Those two minutes of lies that I created on my own were enough to start second guessing myself and beating myself up mentally.
Then I remembered that I deserved better. I told myself that I was creating issues that were non-existent. I was, essentially, creating other peoples’ opinions about me that are probably not even close to being true. I’m slowly learning how to talk to myself positively now because that is what I deserve. I’m slowly understanding that I’m good. I’m realizing that when people tell me good things, it’s because that is how they feel. Also, I’ve realized that I feel so much better about myself when all of those negative thoughts get tossed out. It’s taken me a long time and a lot of advice from some good people to get to this point. Although, I may need that reminder every now and then, not to be too hard on myself, I’ve realized that in order to live my life and be proud, I’m going to have to be nicer to myself because I deserve it.
All in all, I’ve been feeling pretty good lately. A shift on how I view myself was inevitable. Maybe this was just a phase I needed to go through. It wasn’t fun especially when you have been playing your own worst enemy for so long. I am done with that now. My goal is to be nicer to myself and celebrate my wins. Be my biggest fan and do it for me.