I’m going to start this entry off with an apology to myself…
I’m sorry that I have made you feel bad about yourself. I’m sorry that I’ve taken accomplishments, as big as boulders, and grinded them down to a small pebble that you can’t even acknowledge and enjoy them. I’m sorry that I haven’t been there for you. And I’m really sorry that I haven’t put in the amount of effort that your heart holds.
In my last post I wrote about my lack of self-esteem and how it was really getting in my way. Honestly, that apology sums up everything that I had been dealing with over the last few months. I am lucky enough to be able to talk things out with a few people who have my back. They believe in me and tell me that I should feel the same way about myself. So, I’ve been trying since I’ve last posted. I’ve made a conscience effort to help myself by picking myself up. I’ve realized that people don’t look at me the way I was looking at myself. The only one that was beating myself up, was me.
I’ve realized that I’m good. I’ve got this. I had become so emotionally drained that I felt like I was fighting a losing battle when it came to believing in myself but that’s not true at all. I think I just let things get the best of me. I was just tired. I was just not sure where to go. I felt defeated but only because I wasn’t sure how to get up. I was done fighting. I wanted to just lay there. This mindset did not make it easy to accomplish anything. As uneasy as it felt, it was comforting. I didn’t need comfort. I needed to feel uncomfortable.
So, I was thinking about some of the things that I’ve done over the last couple of years that have made me feel my best. These are some of the questions that I have asked myself over and over just to make sure that I’m doing things that are true to me and only me. Questions to make my journey mine and only mine. What do I think of when I thing about being successful? What are some of the actions that I take when I’m being my best self? What makes me happy? What makes me feel comfortable? What drives me out of my comfort zone? What makes me proud of myself? Why do I do these things? Are they for you or for someone else? What makes these things important? How bad do you want it?
This is a slow and tiresome process but I really do feel like a shift has started to happen. For once, I’m truly being honest with myself.