Effort…

I was thinking the other day about how much things have changed over the course of two years. I’d like to think that I started my health journey when I stepped into PlyoFit. It’s crazy to think that such a huge change in my life has been pretty consistent. I’d like to say that the efforts have always been 100% but that’s not reality. But I will say that there has always been effort. Definitely more effort in moving more and, although not as consistent, there has definitely been improvement in my food. I’d like to think that there is definitely improvement in my mindset and self-awareness.

It’s funny because I get so down on myself for not making the right choices, but when I do reflect I can honestly say that I have made such a great choice in just being consistent in what I do with my fitness and nutrition that I am proud of myself.

The other day, Melissa and I were talking about food, as we do sometimes. I mentioned to her about how if only she knew what I ate before I started this journey. And I don’t mean sometimes ate, but I mean, always ate before I started at the gym. My habits were bad. I mean really bad. Something changed overnight, not all overnight, but there was change.

I’ve mentioned before how my sedentary lifestyle has changed completely, but I don’t think I have ever been so specific on my food habits. When I ate before, I didn’t think. I indulged ALL THE TIME. I did it out of habit, depression, stress, celebration, you name it. All of these things, were how I justified it all. Not that I didn’t feel a sort of guilt sometimes. Honestly, I just figured that’s who I was and that’s what I did. That was my role.

I’m not trying to relive my days of bad food habits, but I really feel it’s necessary to reflect back on how things have changed in case you are feeling stuck or in a rut. I’m not at the moment, but it has been on my mind. It can be such a hard thing to write about because once it’s down, it’s out there.

So here goes, most of the time, I ate fast food. I ate out of restaurants. I loved donuts and sweets. Usually not candy but if it was a sweet carb, I was good. It’s funny, because I don’t think that it was where or what I ate, but the amount. My issue has always been portion control. When I would eat a burger, it was two. When I would eat tacos, it wasn’t one. It probably wasn’t two, either. When I ate donuts or pastries, it was always two, maybe three. It’s sad because these were treats that I ate, these were part of my daily diet somehow. I’m not sure where this mentality came from but it was there somehow. My diet soda intake was terrible. If I stopped somewhere at the store to get something there would be something to eat in my bag. It was rare that I would say no to anything. I didn’t eat veggies or fruits. I didn’t drink water.

I know that the amount that I did intake was horrid, but one of my issues was always eating secretly. As a kid, I did this. After school, I was home alone for about an hour or so and I would eat. It didn’t matter what it was. What did matter was quantity. I was going through a lot at the time and it must have made me feel something different than what was really going on. It was something to take my mind of what really was worrying to me during that time. Maybe it was avoidance. I don’t know. Either way, it was a bad habit that stuck with me throughout all my years. The only thing was that as an adult, food was easier to access. I had the cash and I could eat in my car. I still remember there were times when I’d drive home from work and stop at a store only to get some horrible snack or two to eat on the way home, only to go and eat dinner when I got there.

Things have changed, though. I feel like Carlos taught me about self-awareness. I don’t even think I had heard that term before. It turned a light bulb on for me. It really made me analyze my life and how it was going. Not where it was going. It made me think. Bottom line: I was thinking. I wasn’t just doing. I was trying. I was asking myself questions. Really talking to myself. It’s crazy how all it takes is just a push to get onto a new path.

This entry only scratches the surface of my once destructible path once taken. There were so many things that I used to do that I don’t ever want to forget because they are moments to learn from, as painful as they are.