Stay Patient & Trust Your Journey

It’s been more than two weeks since I have written an entry, but it’s been almost two years since I’ve started this blog.

I’m proud that I started documenting this journey when I did. I like the fact that I can go back and read about the person I was two years ago, whether that be something positive or negative. Either way, it’s who I was. I like knowing that somewhere from the beginning to now, I started to change and I like that somewhere along that line, I got so overwhelmed with it that it made me think about who I was and where I was going. I like that this past year in 2018 was different from 2017. I like that 2017 seemed easier, but I love that I learned more about myself in 2018. Isn’t it funny, that we learn more about ourselves when we struggle than when we succeed. It hurts more but we remember lessons more often when we struggle to learn them. There was a huge difference in 2017 and 2018…mentally, emotionally, and physically.

A lot of the time, we look at our goals and what we want for ourselves in yearly increments, hence this NYE blog. Timelines can be rough, though, especially using the timeline of one whole year, but I get it. A new year offers a blank slate. A new way to try and erase the bad habits and introduce new good ones. It’s funny because before embarking on this new adventure, I didn’t create resolutions, especially fitness/health related ones. I didn’t think people like me needed to. If that makes sense. I really didn’t think it served a purpose only because I didn’t feel like a new year was the times to throw out Hail Marys for myself. They seemed wasteful to me and now I realize why…I didn’t have the tools. I didn’t know how to create or even be successful at these “resolutions” because I didn’t know what I had or what I lacked in knowledge. I didn’t know how to ask for help, partly because of my own stupidity. Sadly, I almost felt like since resolutions were to make people “feel better”, then they weren’t for me. Like I didn’t deserve to feel better? Why would I think that? I didn’t deserve to try and better myself, new year or not? That seems like nothing but sabotage on my part.

I’m not going to say that I started my journey because of a new year’s resolution I made to myself…I didn’t. I started this journey because of community. The people around me had a habit, a positive mindset, some will power, call it what you want…but what they had, I wanted. Finally. I had that drive that pushed me to try, for once. I won’t call it a new year’s resolution but I’ll call it my “January 24th, 2017 Resolution”. A little late in the new year, but I’ll take it.

On to my question…

What are you going to do different today, that you will be proud of in a year?

Nothing and Everything. Nothing because I’m already doing it and Everything because I’m still growing and learning. I’m going to continue following my goals because they are my goals. They are what I aspire to achieve. They may change along the way, but nonetheless, I will continue to have goals. They are what help me measure my own successes and my failures, for myself. Not for you or anyone else, but for me. I’m going to continue asking questions, reading, learning, failing, believing, trying, persevering, crying, laughing, pushing…Do everything I can to make sure that my passion and perseverance get me closer to my goals, whatever they may be at that point in time.

So over the last couple of days, I’ve done a lot of self-reflection, mainly due to the picture that Carlos put out on social media. First off, I’d like to say that I’m proud of that picture. I wouldn’t have been a part of that post if I didn’t think it was necessary or important for myself. I think it is 100% necessary to be able to acknowledge the significant changes that I have gone through because they are, just that, significant. When your body changes, it’s a big deal. You realize just how much time, and the hard work you put into that time, change you.

So why the reflection over this post? I mean Carlos has posted about my journey before… I’ve posted about my journey before. This isn’t something new. We’re not waiting to post a before and after picture of when I reach my ultimate goal, we are documenting the journey. Probably more important than the ultimate goal. It’s about all the hard work that goes into it. The ups and downs. The weight gain and the loss. Everything. This isn’t something that I put out there because it highlights accomplishments, it’s something I put out there because it pushes me to work harder and encourages me to be better. It drives me to see where I was to where I am. I love that Carlos sees that. The support and guidance he offers is irreplaceable.

Unfortunately, support and guidance doesn’t come from everyone. Nor should it.

Since coming to Plyofit, I have grown. I’ve learned a lot and, again, I’m going to sing Carlos’ praises. He has taught me a lot regarding people. I always thought that I was a person who was very respectful of others but his is on a whole other level. I’d like to think that his positivity has rubbed off on me and, honestly, I look at people differently now. He opened up my eyes to people’s outlook on goals and accomplishments. I guess since I’d never been in the situation of making any type of fitness goals, I didn’t know what that looked like so I didn’t understand. I do now. It was eye opening. Amazing, honestly.

After this last post, someone close told me something that really hit me hard. Something that struck me as hurtful. It sat with me for awhile. At first, I was taken aback. I was a little embarrassed. And then it hit me.

I wasn’t embarrassed for myself. I was embarrassed for them. I immediately wanted to educate them. I wanted to make them understand that this wasn’t for them. What I do and what I go through is not for them. Their opinion or comment wasn’t helpful but I knew that it wasn’t going to help if I told them that. My journey is not theirs just like theirs wouldn’t be mine.

So, what have I learned? Not everyone gets it. I may have not gotten it before, either, so I don’t blame people who say negative things. I just learn from them.

Normally when I write it’s because there is something weighing heavy on my mind but lately it’s been positive posts because I’ve been feeling good. So, let’s try to keep this one positive, as well.

My feet have been doing good except I strained it Saturday night by stepping onto a stair incorrectly, which hopefully icing it through the week will help. It feels better after a night’s sleep so hopefully in the next week it will feel even better.

I have been working out and eating better, which is always good. Working out hasn’t really ever been an issue but eating right has. I know it’s hard but it’s not an impossible thing. It’s just discipline. Sometimes I have it and sometimes I don’t. Lately, I’ve had it more than ever. This is a great thing. I’m trying to hit the ground running since I have goals I want to meet.

Oh, I know! This is something cool that was exciting to me but probably not very exciting to anyone. I went to this concert the other night. One of my all-time favorite bands was playing. I have seen them quite a few times but one thing I always wanted but couldn’t get was a band shirt. They never had my size. I bought three at this concert. THREE. This was pretty exciting to me. Funny how those little wins can help you out.

Just a little check-in post. I’ll be back!

I’m feeling great. I know I stated this in my last blog, but there is something different. I feel good. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to say this but over the last couple of weeks, I’ve felt more and more like myself. It’s been good. 

Today, I did something a little out of my comfort zone. It may sound a little odd because I do this all the time. I went for a walk. Not just a regular walk, like the ones I take at Plyofit, but a walk that felt different. I don’t normally throw myself in front of people when it comes to ‘physical’ activities because it can be uncomfortable, but honestly, it didn’t make me so uncomfortable. My walk was in the middle of my town. Smack dab in the middle of my town. On a very busy highway. I mean busy. But there is a sidewalk so I thought, ‘why not?’ I didn’t initially intend to walk that way, I was just going to do the normal back roads trail but when I looked down the street, it just looked inviting. So, I took off. It’s funny because I didn’t really think twice about it, I just went. On my way back, I had the realization that this was not really like me. What was I doing? People could see me. What would they say? But no. I can’t live my life like that. They don’t know me. They probably don’t even care. It’s my insecurity that has always stopped me from doing things like that. It was me who cared and I probably shouldn’t have. I always worried too much about things like this and that stopped me from enjoying things. I will say that I enjoyed my walk. Very much so that I plan to do it again tomorrow. 

I’m so excited for this new chapter. I haven’t been this motivated in a while and I’m feeling like I can do anything. I’m excited to go to the gym, excited to  cook my meals, and I’m excited about just making some big changes. It’s been a long time since I’ve really felt like this, at least genuinely.

I had been hurting so much  that it was just bummin’ me out. In every decision that I made, I had to consider my pain that my feet would have. It was horrible. I even took off a week to recover because I was desperate. I needed some help. I’m so glad I’m feeling better. I put some inserts in my shoes that I got from the doctor and they have been working like a charm except I’m getting leg pain from the inserts. They are reforming my step that it hurts up and down my leg but I can deal with that. I think it will eventually subside. Other than that…I’m good. I’ve been working out and feeling great. 

I know that I’ve been having a hard time lately but that doesn’t mean I’m done with my journey. It just means that I’m going to have to work harder than I have before. I’ve realized that I’ve been really hard on myself and that’s really not fair. I’ve worked hard and I need to appreciate just how much it has changed my life for the better. This last week I had decided to take a tiny break from it all so that I can get my feet to a place where they were not hurting as much and just reset my thinking. My thoughts were becoming so toxic that I wasn’t enjoying anything. I was so disappointed in myself that all of those toxic thoughts consumed me ALL of the time. I couldn’t look myself in the mirror anymore because I was so disappointed in myself. I felt like a failure and thought that if I just let it consume me, I would forget about it all and just move on.  Well, it worked. I forgot about it. I tricked myself into thinking that I wasn’t worth it. My mindset changed over the course of time. I used to think that I deserved everything that I worked hard for but for some reason, for a split second, I turned on myself. I let all of my crabs start bringing me down, thinking that was what I deserved. I was doing things to sabotage myself.  I was using up all my time to just create excuses and find ways to blame myself for not getting back to what I set out to do in the first place. The hard part is realizing and admitting what is going on. I’d forgotten why I’m doing this. I’d forgotten about what has gotten me here. I’d forgotten the importance about what I’m doing for myself and my family. I forgot how much fun it was and how much it had changed me mentally. I remembered when I rewatched my story that Carlos put together. With some guidance from Carlos, I realized that none of the reasons I started and continued the journey were about weight loss. They were about me and how it made me feel. My Why was there… It was just a little muddy for a bit.

My Plyofit Story

I did read something earlier that helped put this hurdle into perspective for me.

We don’t get burned out because of what we do. We get burned out because we forget WHY we do it.

Burned out is exactly the road I was heading. I was becoming so distracted from my goals that I was just going through some of the motions. Motions that were not paying off for me. I was only lying to myself. My Why had become lost. My ability to move past things was getting harder and harder. My want to be better, stronger, faster was deteriorating. I no longer wanted it as bad. At least not as bad as I wanted it before. This hit me hard because I think the more that this happened, the more I believed I didn’t want it or at least I didn’t deserve it. I know this is not true. I know that I want it. I know that I want to be better, stronger, and faster but I was struggling and I really didn’t know how to deal. I keep thinking back to my quote on the Plyofit wall and I realize that I need to take that advice in order to enjoy what I’m doing.

Stay Patient and Trust Your Journey. Right? I mean, no one said this was a race. No one said that if I didn’t meet certain goals in certain times that it’s not going to mean anything. No one said that if it takes you five years that you’ve failed. Shit. No one is even noticing how long it’s taking except for me. I’m noticing everything only because I’m living it. I need to stop throwing timelines at myself and start applauding, not only my efforts and successes, but my failures. I need to realize all the things that I’ve known from the beginning and trust them like I did before. I need to understand that my Why, although may change throughout my journey, is still there. It’s still there to push me and guide me. It’s what keeps my fire from burning out.  It’s what keeps my journey meaningful to me.

Maybe Carlos is right. Maybe I should be happy that this happened. Maybe this gigantic hurdle was something I needed to conquer in order to run the next leg of my race. No more trying to sprint. No more looking for shortcuts. No more distractions. Just run the marathon, like God intended, one step at a time.

I’ve recently been having a pretty hard time. I’ve felt off and not much like myself. I’m in a weird place that doesn’t quite suit me but I don’t really know where else to be right now. I convince myself every other day that everything I’m working for will happen and the next day I’m this person that has no confidence whatsoever. Honestly, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I have so many highs and lows that I can’t quite remember what the middle feels like. I want to go back to that. That was when I felt centered. I knew what was happening and why. I knew what I was working for and had a reason for it. I have been trying to figure it out and I realized something that I didn’t know.

I didn’t know that I don’t really ‘like myself’ sometimes. I should say ‘love myself’ but that hurts too much. That makes it feel like I can’t come back from it. I don’t want this hurdle to be something I can’t jump over. Honestly, right now, I’d settle for crawling under it.

I talked to Carlos about this. Poor Carlos. Always my sounding board for when I need advice. Thankful that he puts up with my nonsense but I also know that he understands. We had a talk the other day that lead to this revelation that maybe I wasn’t truly loving myself right now. The consensus: I need to find a way to be able to look myself in the mirror and love the person I am.  This is hard when you aren’t sure how to start.  It’s weird because I’d like to think that these feelings I have right now weren’t always the case. Why now? Why are these feelings so strong now?

So I really want to talk about the way that I have been feeling lately. My moods have been a little angry and maybe a little emotional. I’ve felt lonely lately. This may be a big reason why I’ve felt so off. I’ve felt by myself and don’t know how to come back from it. I’ve not only felt lonely but I’ve also felt very indecisive and second guessing everything I do. Nothing seems clear and it’s been pretty hard to stay on track with anything. It’s like everyday I’m starting my goals over and over. In my head, I’m talking myself down off a ledge, metaphorically speaking, each day. Wondering why all of a sudden life got hard. It wasn’t before, at least not like it is now. I was confident before. Even if I failed, I got back up and was able to tackle it again. Not so much over the last couple of months. I was aware of this but as soon as I went to think about what I could do to get out of this slump, I preoccupied myself with something else. I was avoiding facing this problem. Time has gotten away from me now and I feel so far behind from my goals, which I don’t even know what they are now. I’m just really confused.

I keep thinking about a conversation that Carlos and I had a long time ago about valuing yourself. In the past, I don’t think I struggled with having at least a little bit of me believe that I was worth something, but lately, I’m even struggling with believing people when they tell me how much I mean to them. The first thing that I think is that they are crazy. I’m thinking that there is no way that someone would think so positively about me. Now, this is in the moment. I tend to be skeptical of everyone lately. When I reflect back, I don’t have these feelings as bad because, again, I can talk myself down off that metaphorical ledge.

So how to deal…I have no idea. I guess just keep reminding myself that I do have value.

**I’ll add more later on, I don’t think this is done. I have so much more to say on the topic.

A few days ago I wrote about taking a look back at where I was a year ago before deciding where to go on this journey from this point on. This was so helpful and I realize that sometimes I’m all micro when I should be macro.

I’m going to be honest. I’ve gained some weight…10lbs to be exact. I didn’t want to admit it so I didn’t weigh myself but I could feel it creepin’ in on my belly. I got on the scale after boycotting it for awhile and I knew it before I saw the number. I’d be lying if I didn’t say it broke my heart a little. I let it get the best of me which, honestly, I’m okay with. I just wasn’t okay with the lying to myself. And when I say I’m okay with it, I don’t mean I’m okay with the weight gain but more about the accountability. It’s funny because there are so many things I can say, so many excuses that I can create, but in the end I know what I need to do. It’s just a matter of execution.

Also, Carlos mentioned something today that I realize could definitely be used to process this whole situation better. We talked about how much my feet had been hurting, and he, always being the glass half full guy, said that he’s glad that something like this happened. It’s good to face adversity. So, I’m going to take that same outlook and apply it to my 10 pounds.

But let’s go back to what I said about being okay with it. Of course, I’m not ecstatic about it nor am I content with it but I am happy that I acknowledged it. I laugh because the only way that I feel I can truly acknowledge it, is by talking about it. I knew I had to tell Carlos because he’d be a thousand times more level headed about it than me. If I told him then I couldn’t lie about it to myself anymore. I’d be forced to face it head on. Face adversity.

So I’m going to take this micro setback, remember where I was when I started, and get back on my journey. 💪🏼

I was told that sometimes we need to remember the past before focusing on the future. This is great advice because, honestly, I’ve been so focused on where I need to be that I’ve forgotten where I started. It’s probably even held me back and I’m pretty sure that’s not how it’s supposed to work. I’ve tried to simplify it as much as I could. Made something that I can reflect on. I need to remember that everything I’m feeling are things that I’ve felt in the past. They are not what make me right now. They are not things that drive me. They are things that stop me from putting my best foot forward. They deter my success because I allow it. They don’t define me anymore so I need to stop letting them get in my way. I am not this person anymore.