I didn’t know this…

I’ve recently been having a pretty hard time. I’ve felt off and not much like myself. I’m in a weird place that doesn’t quite suit me but I don’t really know where else to be right now. I convince myself every other day that everything I’m working for will happen and the next day I’m this person that has no confidence whatsoever. Honestly, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I have so many highs and lows that I can’t quite remember what the middle feels like. I want to go back to that. That was when I felt centered. I knew what was happening and why. I knew what I was working for and had a reason for it. I have been trying to figure it out and I realized something that I didn’t know.

I didn’t know that I don’t really ‘like myself’ sometimes. I should say ‘love myself’ but that hurts too much. That makes it feel like I can’t come back from it. I don’t want this hurdle to be something I can’t jump over. Honestly, right now, I’d settle for crawling under it.

I talked to Carlos about this. Poor Carlos. Always my sounding board for when I need advice. Thankful that he puts up with my nonsense but I also know that he understands. We had a talk the other day that lead to this revelation that maybe I wasn’t truly loving myself right now. The consensus: I need to find a way to be able to look myself in the mirror and love the person I am.  This is hard when you aren’t sure how to start.  It’s weird because I’d like to think that these feelings I have right now weren’t always the case. Why now? Why are these feelings so strong now?

So I really want to talk about the way that I have been feeling lately. My moods have been a little angry and maybe a little emotional. I’ve felt lonely lately. This may be a big reason why I’ve felt so off. I’ve felt by myself and don’t know how to come back from it. I’ve not only felt lonely but I’ve also felt very indecisive and second guessing everything I do. Nothing seems clear and it’s been pretty hard to stay on track with anything. It’s like everyday I’m starting my goals over and over. In my head, I’m talking myself down off a ledge, metaphorically speaking, each day. Wondering why all of a sudden life got hard. It wasn’t before, at least not like it is now. I was confident before. Even if I failed, I got back up and was able to tackle it again. Not so much over the last couple of months. I was aware of this but as soon as I went to think about what I could do to get out of this slump, I preoccupied myself with something else. I was avoiding facing this problem. Time has gotten away from me now and I feel so far behind from my goals, which I don’t even know what they are now. I’m just really confused.

I keep thinking about a conversation that Carlos and I had a long time ago about valuing yourself. In the past, I don’t think I struggled with having at least a little bit of me believe that I was worth something, but lately, I’m even struggling with believing people when they tell me how much I mean to them. The first thing that I think is that they are crazy. I’m thinking that there is no way that someone would think so positively about me. Now, this is in the moment. I tend to be skeptical of everyone lately. When I reflect back, I don’t have these feelings as bad because, again, I can talk myself down off that metaphorical ledge.

So how to deal…I have no idea. I guess just keep reminding myself that I do have value.

**I’ll add more later on, I don’t think this is done. I have so much more to say on the topic.

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