I know that I’ve been having a hard time lately but that doesn’t mean I’m done with my journey. It just means that I’m going to have to work harder than I have before. I’ve realized that I’ve been really hard on myself and that’s really not fair. I’ve worked hard and I need to appreciate just how much it has changed my life for the better. This last week I had decided to take a tiny break from it all so that I can get my feet to a place where they were not hurting as much and just reset my thinking. My thoughts were becoming so toxic that I wasn’t enjoying anything. I was so disappointed in myself that all of those toxic thoughts consumed me ALL of the time. I couldn’t look myself in the mirror anymore because I was so disappointed in myself. I felt like a failure and thought that if I just let it consume me, I would forget about it all and just move on. Well, it worked. I forgot about it. I tricked myself into thinking that I wasn’t worth it. My mindset changed over the course of time. I used to think that I deserved everything that I worked hard for but for some reason, for a split second, I turned on myself. I let all of my crabs start bringing me down, thinking that was what I deserved. I was doing things to sabotage myself. I was using up all my time to just create excuses and find ways to blame myself for not getting back to what I set out to do in the first place. The hard part is realizing and admitting what is going on. I’d forgotten why I’m doing this. I’d forgotten about what has gotten me here. I’d forgotten the importance about what I’m doing for myself and my family. I forgot how much fun it was and how much it had changed me mentally. I remembered when I rewatched my story that Carlos put together. With some guidance from Carlos, I realized that none of the reasons I started and continued the journey were about weight loss. They were about me and how it made me feel. My Why was there… It was just a little muddy for a bit.
My Plyofit Story
I did read something earlier that helped put this hurdle into perspective for me.
We don’t get burned out because of what we do. We get burned out because we forget WHY we do it.
Burned out is exactly the road I was heading. I was becoming so distracted from my goals that I was just going through some of the motions. Motions that were not paying off for me. I was only lying to myself. My Why had become lost. My ability to move past things was getting harder and harder. My want to be better, stronger, faster was deteriorating. I no longer wanted it as bad. At least not as bad as I wanted it before. This hit me hard because I think the more that this happened, the more I believed I didn’t want it or at least I didn’t deserve it. I know this is not true. I know that I want it. I know that I want to be better, stronger, and faster but I was struggling and I really didn’t know how to deal. I keep thinking back to my quote on the Plyofit wall and I realize that I need to take that advice in order to enjoy what I’m doing.
Stay Patient and Trust Your Journey. Right? I mean, no one said this was a race. No one said that if I didn’t meet certain goals in certain times that it’s not going to mean anything. No one said that if it takes you five years that you’ve failed. Shit. No one is even noticing how long it’s taking except for me. I’m noticing everything only because I’m living it. I need to stop throwing timelines at myself and start applauding, not only my efforts and successes, but my failures. I need to realize all the things that I’ve known from the beginning and trust them like I did before. I need to understand that my Why, although may change throughout my journey, is still there. It’s still there to push me and guide me. It’s what keeps my fire from burning out. It’s what keeps my journey meaningful to me.
Maybe Carlos is right. Maybe I should be happy that this happened. Maybe this gigantic hurdle was something I needed to conquer in order to run the next leg of my race. No more trying to sprint. No more looking for shortcuts. No more distractions. Just run the marathon, like God intended, one step at a time.