Stay Patient & Trust Your Journey

I’ve been away from this blog for about four months. Four very rough months. Partly because I struggled to figure out exactly what I was feeling and partly because I knew exactly what I was feeling. I struggled with getting my thoughts down because it made them real and each time I chose not to put them down I felt nothing but regret with a small feeling of relief because I wouldn’t have to relive them when I came back to reread any of these entries. Unfortunately, with that feeling of regret, comes the feeling that there is no turning back the clock. Whether I was feeling good or bad, I can’t go back to relive those moments and learn from them. For that small window of four months, I’ll have to live with this decision of not writing. Hopefully, that will not happen again since I’m back now. I’m not going to lie. I’ve missed it. Writing in here helps me to just get everything sorted and it helps. It’s such a sense of relief and helps to put things into perspective and sometimes take me back to center, which I need a lot of.  I think one of the things I really need to remember, though, is that I can’t run away from this very much needed outlet. It helps and I need to remember when I tend to run into hard days. 

So where to begin…

Yep. I’ve been having some trouble with my journey lately. Nothing was really in sync and I wasn’t feeling it for awhile. There are a lot things that I’d really lost sight of and I lost my drive to meet my goals. Excuses became easy and my life ran on fear. It’s such an incredible thing to acknowledge because it seems a little ridiculous but I was scared. I lacked bravery in some of the things that should have driven me. I’ll admit that I wasn’t my biggest fan and, honestly, that was really one of the main reasons that I struggled for these last few months. It seemed like the confidence and self-respect that I had built over the last couple of years had become overshadowed with a sense of fear and failure. I just had a lot of trouble, this time around, pushing those feelings out. I really did try but I was just having a hard time. One of the things that I have learned since starting this, is that you cannot do this if you don’t believe in yourself. Confidence and self-esteem are important and you always have to be your number one fan. Over the years, I’ve grown in these two subjects but sometimes the fear outweighs the growth. Carlos and I have had many conversations where we have battled/talked about how important this is. He’s won every time because I know he’s right. It just has taken me so long to realize that without these things, I’m making it way harder than it should be.  There have been a lot of questions that he has asked me but today, I think he asked me a very important question. Enough that it kind of stung a bit. He asked me to tell me the first thing I thought when I looked in the mirror. I didn’t even hesitate in my brain. I was sad to say that my word would be struggling. Now, believe me when I say this, my word changes a lot but lately, struggling, has been my word. Hence, the not being around this blog for four months. I don’t want this to be the word that I associate with when I look in the mirror. There are so many other things that I can define myself with and should be proud of but I locked on this word for awhile and it’s going to take some time to knock it out of my vocabulary.  It’s time, though, to take it back to center and remember why we take on challenges like this. 

I’d been meaning to sit down and write this over the weekend because I think days like this are important to remember.

On Friday, I went to PlyoFit. I’d been feeling really great. I’ve been trying new things and pushing myself just a little harder because I know that this is the only way I’m going to move forward to some of my goals. Then I hear it. The dreaded words that I always hope that Carlos never says to me.

“You have 45 minutes on the clock.”

Ugh. This where my inner child, if able to surface, would come out and flail and kick her way to the ground and proceed to go limp so that if you wanted her to move then you were going to have to drag her. Yeah, I know. I’m not proud of it. And honestly, it lasts for a few minutes and I’m able to sort of talk myself down off the ledge. I’m still not happy but I deal.

So you are probably wondering why this is so dramatic. Well, a couple of reasons but I’ll probably just focus on this one. The clock is my nemesis. It puts me up against myself which I hate, even more than being put up against another person. At least when I am up against someone else and they beat me, it’s because they are just better. I feel a little different when it comes to the clock and just me. It’s very intimidating. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve been coming to the gym long enough to know that I’m not always going to win against the clock. There are times that I do and times that I don’t. I hate losing every time. (There, I admitted it.)

Things were different this time. When he told me what was going to be happening, which I’ll lay out for you in just a bit, I knew instinctively that I wasn’t going to beat that time. I did the math in my head. This wasn’t something that I wanted to go through at the time. I didn’t feel like having that conversation with myself that ended up with, “you’ll beat it next time.” I knew that this was impossible.

So, what was the workout? Now, it wasn’t a particularly hard workout but one that I knew that I couldn’t beat that time with. I had to go around the block then come in and do 20 TRX rows, 20 TRX tricep extensions, 20 ball slams, and 20 knee ups.

In my head, I knew that maybe I could get 3 rounds in, which was pushing it. Actually, I barely missed the 3 rounds. When I was done with the third round, the clock said just a little over 46 minutes. Now, the first two rounds, I’ll admit, I was angry. I mean, not like ‘where’s my knife’ angry, but upset that I knew on MY BEST DAY, I wouldn’t make it. That’s why I was upset. I’m pretty sure Carlos sensed it because I’m sure I wore it all over my face. He let me know that I wasn’t going to make it, but it was on purpose. He wanted me to push myself. He wanted to see where I was with the time. Plus, I’m sure he had a billion other reasons. (He’s smart like that and there is always method to his madness.) He let me know before round three and then I realized that I was using so much of that negative energy that I probably should have channeled it to have a better time or at least enjoy myself a little bit more, so I did something else.

Now, you know, if you’ve been reading these blogs, that my goal is to become a runner. I used some of the time on my third and fourth lap to run for a few seconds. Not much. Just enough to get my mood back to where I was when I showed up. I used the straight away of the road behind the gym to practice. I double backed a couple of times and continued on when I couldn’t anymore. If you would have asked me a few months to go onto the road and run, practice or not, I would have said no. The uncomfortable feeling would be the only thing stopping me, but I’m done feeling that way. I don’t feel uncomfortable anymore. I feel stronger even if for a short time and that feeling completely overwhelms you. At least, it does me. It makes me feel so good about myself. I honestly cannot explain how much of an overwhelming feeling of joy I get from just attempting to run. It’s crazy to think that two years ago, I couldn’t do most of the things I do now, let alone run. I will make it. I will fulfill my goal, no matter how long it takes.

Also, on another positive note about the workout I did. I moved for 66 minutes and 47 seconds without stopping. Crazy.

So today was a good day. I felt good. I felt strong. Physically, my body was not hurting like the other day, which is very good news. I had a great day at the gym. I was determined to make the gym time, my time. Not waste it. Not let anything else consume me, but instead use the gym to let off some steam and enjoy it. I mean really enjoy it.

Today I did something. I felt something that I’d never really felt before. Empowerment. It’s funny because I am all about empowerment in others’ lives , but I don’t promote it as much as I should in mine. Probably because we are harder on ourselves and probably feel like we don’t deserve as much as other people. I don’t know. Either way, things were different. I could do anything today. I felt that running through my blood. I felt like I could try anything, whether or not I succeeded, it didn’t matter.

So what changed? I did something today that I probably haven’t done since I was young. I ran. I mean, legit ran. It was slow. It was unbalanced. It was short. It was amazing. It reminded me of why I was there and it made me open my eyes to just how much work I’ve put in. That being said, it also reminded me of how much work I still need to put it. This excites me. I mean, really excites me. This makes me feel like anything is possible. Now, I know, I’m not going to be running any marathons anytime soon but, really, this is my marathon. This is me wishing, learning, trying, failing and succeeding. This is me running my race.

I was in a bad mood today at the gym. Honestly the day went well but I spent 95% of the time sitting because of a workshop. A really good workshop but the sitting makes me so tense and makes it so hard to get into the gym since I haven’t moved much all day. I went in but I had a chip on my shoulder after I realized I was still hurting. In my head, I kept telling myself to just get over it but I was really feeling pain in my hip which just took over. Not my best day. I need to learn how to channel that better. I spent a majority of the time complaining and justifying why I was hurting. That really didn’t help me at all. The complaining, that is. I did the workout and I did everything I was supposed to but I just felt defeated. That’s not how you want to get through a workout. It’s supposed to be a time of recharge and destress and I made it the opposite. A moment of clarity came when Carlos told me that’s it’s important that I’m moving. I forget that. I forget that the reason I’m there is to be better than I was. To be stronger and healthier, which, in turn, makes me happier. A bad day at the gym is still a good day, though.

Wow! It has been a long time since I’ve written. Believe me, it’s not for lack of content more like lack of knowledge on how I felt about the content. So this post is just going to be all over the place and an update about the last month.

Let’s start with some exciting news…I got a new job. I’m very excited about this because it’s something I’ve been working towards for a little while. I’m leaving my Instructional Coach job for an Assistant Principal position. I’m so excited and am looking forward to it. We’re going to come back to this news in a bit…

Along with the good news mentioned above, I have been feeling good, finally. Sometimes I just can’t believe how much I have changed, mobility wise, over the last year. Honestly, though, I couldn’t have done it without Plyofit. Everytime I think I can’t do something, I’m pushed to prove otherwise.

Things that I’m doing to help myself…

The first one is easy…I exercise. I drive myself down Bandera road through the traffic and all of those traffic lights and I walk into Plyofit, as stress free as I can be. Sometimes it’s not always easy but for the most part, I get through a workout only thinking about the present. I’m there. I’m thinking about what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. I’m not worried about anything and I have fun. I won’t lie, there have been a handful of times where I was there physically but not mentally. Those were the hardest workouts. It made being there tough and, honestly, unpleasant.

Next is diet. I hate talking about food because I love it so much for the wrong reasons. But things are good. Really, what always helps me and I don’t know why I don’t do it all the time, is tracking. I’ve realized that until my lifestyle has completely changed, I will always need to track. I have spent so many years making my bad habits the norm that sometimes it seems impossible to change but when I track, I’m more aware. I’m better at making choices and my choices mean something. When I eat something that is going to make my body feel good, it’s because I made that choice. If I eat something that is more of an indulgence, I made that choice, as well. The difference is that I’ve thought about it instead of just eating it, just to eat it. That was my lifestyle before and it did more harm than good.

Then there is the dreaded act of stepping out of my comfort zone…I’m going to contradict myself on this subject. I HATE stepping out of my comfort zone but I love trying new things. I’ve never had a problem with putting myself out there for new experiences but they never were health/fitness related and that’s always hard for me. I mean what type of person decides that they want to run a marathon? Probably someone who knows how to run. Then again, I guess you can argue that I never really have stepped out of my comfort zone ever…I was actually just trying new things within my comfort level, which meant I was probably going to be good at them. I mean, kind of not the same thing, right? Doing something and having that lingering fear that you may fail is truly difficult to deal with but I’ve learned a lot over the last couple of years. I’ve learned just how important it is to do things that may be difficult for you at first. For me, usually these are things that would qualify as being physical things. Because of Plyo, I’ve changed that because it’s such an important part of me now. This is where my new job is going to benefit from this. I want to be the best AP I can be and that requires mobility to be better so that is what I’m working for. It will take time but I will get to my goals.

Pretty much, things are good/great/better/amazing!

Oh, Man! Where has this been all my life??? Yep, such a simple concept, yet one that I don’t believe I have ever taken full advantage of in MY ENTIRE LIFE. So, I’m over two years into my fitness journey, (fist bump, Carlos), and I know mostly what I know due to Carlos and the internet, but mostly Carlos.

So, why all of a sudden am I singing the praises of the beautiful practice of stretching? Because over the last few months I feel like I have been getting shorter! Okay, I know I’m not getting shorter but my muscles, and whatever other science-y things coexisting in my body, have been feeling so tight. When I sit for long periods of time, I can feel my hips just not working. They get stuck and I feel like I cannot stand straight. It takes a while to really get moving again. But I’ve found some relief over the last few weeks.

My saving grace(s): Carlos, my Theragun, my Stretch Out Strap, and finally, an actual massage.

So, let’s start with the one I will forever be grateful for…my trainer! It’s funny because in the beginning there was no way in hell I would ever have let him put me through a stretching session.

One day, though, about a year and a half into this whole thing, I was desperate. Honestly, I really didn’t know what he was going to suggest when I told him how much I was hurting. It’s funny because I think we were both kind of unsure what we were going to do to try and solve it. I think we both knew it was going to be something that was completely out of my comfort zone but I was going to have to try something.

Let me explain. I was scared of doing a stretch session with him. It involved too many things that I was embarrassed and scared about but I was desperate. Honestly, though, the most embarrassing part was getting down to the ground. Such a crazy thing to be scared of but when you are overweight, things like that just tend to be difficult. It worked out, though.

Then there is my TheraGun. I love this thing. If you don’t have one, you need to get one. It’s a giant massage gun that just works wonders especially after some stretching. I throw it in my gym bag most days. It’s amazing!

Then I had read this article about this strap that physical therapists use to help stretch your muscles. Honestly, it’s something that mimics the stretches that you would do with a trainer or PT, but you can do them on your own, in your own home. When I bought it, I was hoping to help alleviate some tension in my hamstrings and it has helped quite a bit. It gives me the option to get a really good stretch without having to go to my trainer and bother him. Of course, I only know what to do with it because he taught me. (another first bump, Carlos)

Then there is the actual massage. Oh, man. I had never had an actual massage until a few weeks ago. I was always super self conscience about it. I’d always felt that I was too embarrassed to do things like that. I didn’t really think I would feel comfortable but it was really good. It helped everything just get back into place. It hurt, though. Like a lot. I’m assuming I needed it then.

So, I guess I’m getting ready for a 10k. I’ve officially signed myself up for the Rock ‘n’ Roll 10k in December. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a little (a lot) excited and quite a bit nervous. Honestly, I think this is a step in the right direction, though. Something to get my mind ready for and to look forward to. Also, something to motivate me to do my best. What also puts my mind at ease is know that people, specifically some of the PlyoFam, are going to be right there with me.

In the past, I’ve been pretty vocal about some of the goals that I have, even if they are ones that won’t come to fruition for years to come, but one of them is running. Now, I’m not running this one. I’m walking it, but you have to start somewhere.

So, the big question is…what is this going to take? I’m really not sure but I know that I’m going to need some goals and determination to reach them. I really am excited about this. In the past, I’ve wondered if I’m really cut out for all of this but when I think about doing things like this, it makes me feel so excited.

You know, although sometimes it may feel like it, I haven’t lost my drive. I haven’t lost that idea that one day I’m going to be completing some sort of marathon. I just think that maybe I let those negative feelings overcome my goals sometimes. It’s that feeling of insecurity. It’s okay, though. I’m in it now. I’m ready for all that comes at me. I’m going to give this my all because why not? Isn’t this the kind of stuff I’ve always wanted to do. Isn’t this the type of goal that I’ve been waiting for? Why not go for the big goal? Why not push yourself to see how far you can go? I know one day I will make it.

Sometimes I say things that are different than what I am really thinking…

An example?

The other day I said something out loud that isn’t necessarily true. I made the comment that when I walk into the gym, I usually walk in with the thought that I may not get through the workout. I’m not sure why I said this. Workouts have been as good as I make them. Read: if I’m not feeling good, my workout isn’t good but if I’m feeling great, it’s great.

So, why are the workouts so important to me? Probably because they’ve always been my favorite part of this journey. They’ve always been the consistent thing that has driven me to be better. Now, I know that it isn’t about this. I know that working out is not what is going to solely reach my goal but until I do, I like to workout. I like the way it makes me feel and even when I’m being dramatic and not “feeling it”, I couldn’t stop. Well, I could but that would make me feel terrible. It wouldn’t be the same as when I used to not workout. I’ve lived it so I know now what I’m missing.

This makes me happy. This makes me think that I have a good thing going. It makes me feel unstoppable and strong. It gets me excited to go out in the world and be different, to try new things, and to step out of my comfort zone. I’m not great at doing these things but when I don’t overthink it, I surprise myself.

Blogging

Lately, I haven’t done much reflecting on here because of timing. Work has been crazy and I’ve really tried my best to keep all of my plates spinning but blogging seems to be on the back burner even though it’s one of the things that helps me the most. Maybe I should make some more time for it. It really does help separate some of my thoughts. I look at it like working out. It helps to clear my mind of clutter and helps me focus. Something I’ve needed for a long time.

Diet

Another thing I’ve really been thinking about is my diet. It’s actually been pretty good lately because I’ve really been trying. Honestly, though, I have on a couple of occasions found myself falling into some of my old habits because I really wasn’t doing anything to hold myself accountable. It’s weird because when I fall into some of my old habits, it’s like I don’t know it’s happening and I feel like I’m watching myself from the outside. It’s almost like I’m on autopilot. A really odd feeling but I’m aware of it. I’m just trying hard not to be my old self with my old habits.

I think I’ve done a lot to create some better habits for myself but sometimes the old ones sneak up on you. I think that the key is to just be able to recognize when that happens and try not to let it take over enough that you don’t realize it until it’s too late. Believe me, I’m in a much better place physically, mentally, and emotionally.

What do you do if you are just having one of those days, weeks, months, or even years, where you just can’t deal? I guess you sulk, whine, and sit in it. All of the things that you think are horrible and are only effecting you seem to engulf your entire world and now you have a permanent scowl on your face.

Well, this was me, over the last couple of days.

I guess I didn’t learn enough from my last post and seemed to waste energy on things that were beyond my control. It really did bother me that I couldn’t control all of these tiny things that were happening around me. Partly, because they didn’t feel tiny at the moment. They felt huge, life altering, and felt like they were coming at me 100 miles an hour.

I let myself get caught up in the snowball as it came spiraling towards me. I let work take a toll, which isn’t normal for me. I let my brain tell my body that I couldn’t do things at the gym. I let my stinky dogs (yep, they got skunked) stress me out SO MUCH that I couldn’t deal with anything else. I wanted to just stop. Take a break from everything. You know, run away from my problems.

I didn’t listen to Matt. I didn’t listen to Carlos. I didn’t listen to anyone. I sat in it. I did not empty my bucket. I let that sucker overflow with negativity. I didn’t even realize that I was drowning in it.

But it’s over. I’m slowing taking a step back and realizing that it’s all wasted energy. All of it. I got nothing out of being a grump. I didn’t feel good. I wasn’t a nice person, to anyone. And nothing positive came out of this situation.

There has been so much going on that I haven’t had a chance to sit down with my thoughts to really write about some of the things that I’ve been thinking about.

So, I’m back. Like I never left. (This has to be one of my favorite phrases. Thank you, Macklemore) 🙂

So, I want to share something I’m not too proud of. The other day I threw a fit. I mean, an actual fit. It wasn’t my finest moment. I was in a situation that I didn’t know how to get out of and it made me feel super uncomfortable. It turned on my fight/flight switch and off we went…It’s funny, though. After all the fight I put up, and all the imaginary scenarios where I got up and walked out, none of it seemed to matter. A lot of energy went into that entire situation and in the end, I faced it head on because I didn’t think there was anything else to do. I felt defeated. It hurt. It was uncomfortable. And I was angry. I got over it, to say the least. It was a fight that I didn’t need to fight and, honestly, maybe if I didn’t act like such a coward sometimes, I would have avoided that completely and realized that I can do everything. I would have realized that what had made me scared and uncomfortable was just old feelings creeping in to my new life.

Now let’s go back to that word, coward. It has such a negative connotation to it but it’s fitting. Now, don’t read too much into that. I just think it’s a good word for my current situation. A coward is a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things. Sometimes this is me. Lately, it’s been a lot me. I’ve realized this, though. I’ve gotten lazy. I’ve let things slide and become comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. I’ve lost a little of that gumption that tells you that you can do anything that you set your mind to. I know it’s there but it’s hiding. Like a coward. So again, not a terrible word, just fitting.

I don’t want to be a coward. I don’t want to make excuses for not enduring things that I may think are unpleasant at the time. This is not the goal. The goal is to learn to be strong, try new things, and be someone I’m proud of. I got this. I’ve endured a lot and I’ve avoided a lot. I don’t want to avoid anymore. I want to be different. I want to be someone who doesn’t beat themselves up about things that they have done, not done, or even had no control over. I know that this person is in me. I’ve seen/been this person before. She was not a coward. She was in charge of herself and knew exactly what she wanted. She had goals and tried everything to get to her goals.

So how do you become that person again? You just do it. You change your habits, surround yourself with people who lift you up and not hold you down, you have that conversation with yourself about what is important to you and how do you get there. Finally, you realize that this person, that you are so desperately trying to become again, has always made you feel the happiest so it’s so important to find her again.