Back to Center…

I’ve been away from this blog for about four months. Four very rough months. Partly because I struggled to figure out exactly what I was feeling and partly because I knew exactly what I was feeling. I struggled with getting my thoughts down because it made them real and each time I chose not to put them down I felt nothing but regret with a small feeling of relief because I wouldn’t have to relive them when I came back to reread any of these entries. Unfortunately, with that feeling of regret, comes the feeling that there is no turning back the clock. Whether I was feeling good or bad, I can’t go back to relive those moments and learn from them. For that small window of four months, I’ll have to live with this decision of not writing. Hopefully, that will not happen again since I’m back now. I’m not going to lie. I’ve missed it. Writing in here helps me to just get everything sorted and it helps. It’s such a sense of relief and helps to put things into perspective and sometimes take me back to center, which I need a lot of.  I think one of the things I really need to remember, though, is that I can’t run away from this very much needed outlet. It helps and I need to remember when I tend to run into hard days. 

So where to begin…

Yep. I’ve been having some trouble with my journey lately. Nothing was really in sync and I wasn’t feeling it for awhile. There are a lot things that I’d really lost sight of and I lost my drive to meet my goals. Excuses became easy and my life ran on fear. It’s such an incredible thing to acknowledge because it seems a little ridiculous but I was scared. I lacked bravery in some of the things that should have driven me. I’ll admit that I wasn’t my biggest fan and, honestly, that was really one of the main reasons that I struggled for these last few months. It seemed like the confidence and self-respect that I had built over the last couple of years had become overshadowed with a sense of fear and failure. I just had a lot of trouble, this time around, pushing those feelings out. I really did try but I was just having a hard time. One of the things that I have learned since starting this, is that you cannot do this if you don’t believe in yourself. Confidence and self-esteem are important and you always have to be your number one fan. Over the years, I’ve grown in these two subjects but sometimes the fear outweighs the growth. Carlos and I have had many conversations where we have battled/talked about how important this is. He’s won every time because I know he’s right. It just has taken me so long to realize that without these things, I’m making it way harder than it should be.  There have been a lot of questions that he has asked me but today, I think he asked me a very important question. Enough that it kind of stung a bit. He asked me to tell me the first thing I thought when I looked in the mirror. I didn’t even hesitate in my brain. I was sad to say that my word would be struggling. Now, believe me when I say this, my word changes a lot but lately, struggling, has been my word. Hence, the not being around this blog for four months. I don’t want this to be the word that I associate with when I look in the mirror. There are so many other things that I can define myself with and should be proud of but I locked on this word for awhile and it’s going to take some time to knock it out of my vocabulary.  It’s time, though, to take it back to center and remember why we take on challenges like this. 

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