Stay Patient & Trust Your Journey

You know, I talk a lot about My Why but I don’t think I have ever written about it. I haven’t addressed this mainly because it’s always been jumbled in my mind. My Why changes constantly and in different aspects of my life. For now, let’s focus on the Why of this journey.

I started this journey in hopes of finding something I might like to do, find something that might change things a bit, or find something that might make me feel better, or find something that might be the thing to change things.  Just to name a few. The key word here is MIGHT. I had no Why when I started this journey. It was a ‘just because’ I probably should need to do this. This changed quickly, though. My Why became more clear as time passed.

My Why then? This is easy. I focused more on being tired, feeling uncomfortable, doing it for other people. I had a Why but it didn’t really focus on the positive. I guess, which makes sense. I wasn’t very positive about where my health was going I just figured time was passing and I needed to do something. But as time passed, My Why focused more on me.

So, what’s My Why now? Because I love it. I love being more active. I enjoy it. I like feeling good. I love feeling strong. I love feeling more comfortable. Mainly, I love how it empowers me to continue. I feel like my life has started over and I’m actually in control. All these feelings are what drive me. These are the feelings that keep me on track and sometimes make me fall off track because they can be overwhelming. Either way, I’ll take them. My Why may change as I go, but for now it’s focused on me and how it makes me feel.

That being said, that is MY SELFISH WHY. I also have other reasons I do this that don’t involve me. I do it for my family. I do it for my friends. These are definitely reasons enough to continue.

It seems like the best conversations come when least expected. They may start out with the intentions of just being simple conversations while others may end up being so profound and deep they lead to realizations of your own life. When you are lucky enough to have a conversation like this, document it. This talk between Carlos and I started out with nothing to do with me, but in actuality, I related to it in every aspect. I just wasn’t aware that this conversation would be something I could relate to. I will never be able to recreate the exact dialogue we had but I can reiterate the points I took from it.

This talk lead us to the questions of why we let doubt lead our lives. Why are our intentions, as good as they may be, not enough? Why is our own personal why not enough to motivate us to change when we know we need a change? Why do we let important things such as our health become back burner items in our lives? Is there a difference between loving yourself and valuing yourself?

This last question, posed by Carlos, sparked something in me that I haven’t been able to let go. Honestly, I feel that it all comes down to how we value our own life. What worth do we attach to the life we are living?

When we change its because we value ourselves. When we don’t change, it’s because we haven’t realized our worth. We haven’t had the thought that we deserve to be the best version of ourselves. I am completely guilty of this. I always believed that one way to live my life was to be as helpful as I could be. I bent over backwards, jumped through hoops, offered the shirt off my back to anyone. I realize now that this is a crutch. Now, I’m not saying that these are bad things, but I am saying these can be crippling. I realized something the other night. My self worth, before making the change of joining Plyofit and eating better, was at zero.

I felt that my purpose in life was to make others feel what I couldn’t feel, because my quality of life was limited. Again, my self-worth was at zero.

I’ve known all of my life that my weight was a problem. This wasn’t new to me or even something I was trying to fix. This was just who I was. So, I did what I did best and swept it under the rug because it was easy. I couldn’t deal with my own demons, so I helped others deal with theirs. It was easier helping others than it was helping myself. It made me feel like I was worth something, but I realize that you can’t get self worth from others, it has to come from within.

I’m not done on this topic but this is my realization of the week. This is something that will change my Why for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow will be one year that I have been actively trying to make myself better. It’s been a long year but one that I would not trade for the world. I never thought that I would be able to say that I worked for a full year on myself, for myself. It’s probably silly to celebrate these days but it helps me to stay in control. It puts everything that I have worked for into perspective and reminds me that things have changed for the better. I may have strayed throughout the year, but I always came back. Explaining how different I feel now compared to a year ago is always rough. I was tired. I hurt. I felt defeated. I was sad. Sometimes depressed. I felt sorry for myself and felt like there was no way out. I ignored many things and always seemed to make excuses. “I’ll start tomorrow…I’ll care about it tomorrow…It’s too late…I’ll never be able to change.” Yes, my habits were bad and they weren’t changing anytime soon. I’m glad I got myself together and at least made a small dent in this new way of thinking and new way of moving. I absolutely feel that the gym has added so much to my life. It’s my second home. As I write this, I can feel how much this has changed my life. I feel comfortable there and I push myself there more than anywhere. I don’t think I really had a day there where I felt like I didn’t belong except maybe a couple where I hit a mental wall. I got over it pretty quickly, though.

How is it that a year is passed, yet, I feel like it was yesterday that I walked into Plyofit. Honestly, I didn’t think I would stick with it or even could stick with it. This just wasn’t my scene. I figured I’d give it a try, realize it’s too hard, and give up. Things were actually touch and go there for a minute, as I had gotten sick just a couple of weeks into exercising. I got hit with bronchitis and was out a couple of weeks. I’m glad Carlos kept up with me and encouraged me to come back when I got better. I know this helped me in deciding whether or not I could handle this. His encouragement was key. Along with everyone single one of the new friends I met along the way. Encouragement from them and my hubby kept me going.

Now, looking back is great. It helps to appreciate how you got here but I want to look forward. I have so many goals that I want to reach that I am going to attack them head on. I realize that the only one who can stop me or get in my way, is me. I will not sabotage myself. I will continue my journey with even more confidence and perseverance than this last year. I owe it to myself to be the best version of me. The best version of me pushes herself, believes in herself, and will continue to work on herself.

Here we are…January 1st, 2018. Today would be a good day to write since the beginning of the year is a new start. Before new goals get put into place, let’s think about any old goals that didn’t happen. A lot of stresses and injuries come to mind as to why these didn’t get accomplished, but this is not something that will get me down or deter me from trying again. I’ve come to learn a lot over the last year and have learned a lot of lessons about failure and success. You can choose to work hard but that doesn’t mean you will succeed the first time you try. Believe me, this has been a huge lesson that has stopped me on more than one occasion. I’m still working at things that I have yet to be successful at, but I will keep trying. Again, it’s all part of the process.

Back to our old goals…Now these don’t necessarily have a time cap on them because they are big goals.

1. Lose 200 lbs total-90 lbs to go. Now this is not where I want to stop but this is a good place to mark a monumental goal. Now, I don’t know if I can do another 100 in a year, but I’ll try. I’d like to make sure I do at least 50lbs but we’ll see. As long as I keep working at it, I’ll get there.
2. Walk a 5k…This one stings a little because this is something I worked for in 2017 and I was ready. I was not going to be the fastest one but I would have finished. I was pretty devastated that this didn’t happen but what can you do? Although sad, this injury made me even more aware throughout this journey to listen to my body.
3. Floor work…(get ready, this is going to drag on and may be a little confusing…)Now one of the things that I take pride in actually involves the gym. I’m not the strongest, the fittest, or even the most determined, but I take pride that I walk in, do my best, push myself, and walk out thinking that I did something that will help me better my health, mind, and heart. That being said, Carlos modifies as needed in my current workouts, so I have yet to do any floor work. Although he modifies I really feel like the modifications are NOT due to my weight. I feel more like they are modifications based more on my fitness level. More based on the fact that I’m a beginner. I have never felt like my weight has been an issue in the current workouts he has given me.  I like that I can see/feel improvement as the months come along and he changes the routine to get a better workout. I’m great with this. It gives me a great outlook that workouts will get harder but I will be able to tackle them because I am stronger.  What I’m not okay with is that I have not done anything on my side of this to get myself ready for floor work. Honestly, the reason I haven’t done any floor work is not due to my fitness level but more because of a weight issue. It’s tough to get up and down when you carry an excessive amount of weight. It’s very hard on the knees. It’s not impossible but not my finest hour when it comes to mobility. I am thankful that Carlos understands this.  I also know that we would probably have a conversation about doing this before he tells me to do it during one of my sessions. Also, I know he would understand if I didn’t feel ready. Mentally, I am ready for anything, but my weight can sometimes stop me in my tracks. It won’t for long, but,unfortunately, it will for now.
4. Improving my time during my mile. Ugh. This one just hurts. I have made improvements but I am going to have get my foot in working order before I push myself like I did. It will get better.

Alright now, new goals…See above. I need to accomplish these before I set new ones. At least when it comes to the long term goals…one year just wasn’t enough time. We’ll see what happens in 2018. Happy New Year!

This week was great. I feel good, no, I feel great,  and am looking forward to another successful week of meal prepping and hitting my gym goals.

The week after Thanksgiving is always a little crazy especially after giving in to all the delicious food, plus the stress of getting back into work. But there are so many things that I am excited about for this coming month. December will be a good one. I can feel it.

Goals for the month:

1. 64 oz of water everyday
2. meal prep and stay within calorie range
3. go to the gym and close my rings with a rest day on Sunday

It doesn’t seem like a lot of goals but I’ve come to realize that less is more. I can focus on the important parts of this journey by hitting goals that will make me successful. I’d like to think that eventually I’d get to a point where I don’t have to write these down or even think about them, but for now, I need to make it a point to be mindful of the things I’d like to accomplish. I’ve come to the conclusion that I also need to log my food and water in order to stay on track. It makes me more accountable especially since I have to look at these numbers, day in and day out. That being said, I have to remember, the only person I’m up against is me and when I see the number on the scale, the calorie counts, the meal prepping, the water intake, the minutes I exercise, and the days I put in 100%, I’m proud. I’m proud of the experiences that this has offered me, the people that I have encountered and have come to call my friends, and of the effort I’ve put in that I didn’t know I had.

I haven’t been this excited in a while. I let October and November get the best of me. I had a few days there that I felt I was being pulled in all different directions and confused about where to go from my first big milestone. Also, it didn’t help that I got hurt on that day. It didn’t help at all. I pushed through and kept up with my gym routine but my food choices could have been much better.  More than anything, though, it was the injury. I am frustrated with my foot. I wake up hurting, go through the day hurting, and go to sleep hurting. It gets to be too much at times. I’m usually able to push through pain, but it hit me hard a few days and drug me down. Way down. Hopefully, I will get some relief tomorrow by just knowing what is wrong.  I got some excellent advice on what to ask at the doctor’s office and I’m ready to take any more advice that the doctor has to offer.

I’ve decided that there should be no more wasted time and energy. I will continue this journey full force and keep myself accountable along the way. If I fall off, I will climb back up and continue my journey because I owe it to myself.

So I’m sitting here in a waiting room, waiting on my husband to get out of his doctor’s appointment. It finally struck me. I realized that we aren’t helping each other like we should. We are a team and we need to ban together to get rid of all this extra weight.

I know that I’ve kind of gone on my own path for the last 10 months, but it wasn’t because I wanted to, but more because I needed to. It was one of those feelings of it’s now or never. So I took all the opportunities that led me to today, even if it meant spending less time at home with my husband. It hasn’t been easy but I think I’m ready to be the good support system that he needs now. I didn’t mean to be selfish before but this was new to me.

I know that I have a lot to learn but I know we can do it. Wish us luck!

I have started many posts over the last few days, but I haven’t posted yet. I did feel compelled to share this one, though, partly because it didn’t hurt my brain to write it. All the other posts were a little too ‘real’ to hit publish at the time, but I’ll put them out eventually.

So, I wanted to share something that happened to me recently. It’s not anything monumental but it did get me thinking and even put things into perspective at that moment. I hope I can relay to you the way I felt in *that* moment, so that you can better understand this turning point in my life.

I went shopping the other day. Now, I’ve always hated shopping because when you are an overweight person, shopping becomes a task rather than a good time. It’s just another reminder that you have limitations based on your size. Things that you like may not be available in your size, things that you don’t like are always available in your size, and sometimes you’re not even lucky enough to find the stuff you don’t like. But I digress…

So back to my shopping…Shopping has gotten better for me. I have a better selection since losing some weight and I’m still losing, which is nice. I have, over the last 10 months, gone from a 5xl to a 3xl. I can wear a 2xl but I like the 3xl’s better. I’m just a little more comfortable. After wearing these sizes for so long, you have to take a while to get used to not buying them….Which brings me to the whole point of my story. (Finally!)

So, I was out shopping for a jacket, you know because we have real bad winters in Texas. I saw a jean jacket I liked, but noticed they only had one. I saw the size and thought, “I can fit into that”. So I tried it on. It fit. Then I thought, “of course I can fit into that, that’s the size I wore 100 lbs ago”. Obviously, the jacket was too big on me, but I left it on and went to the mirrors to look at it. I tried really hard to convince myself that since I had been this size before, then it certainly was okay to continue to buy clothes this size. This is a false statement. Just because I was once this size, doesn’t mean I’m still that size. I really tried to convince myself to buy it. Instead I ordered online with the correct size. I received it in the mail and it fits perfectly.

So, I’m going into this week with a clear head, some goals, and some confidence. Meal prep ordered and ready for school lunch, breakfast is done, and dinner has been decided, so there will be no setbacks. I am prepared. This is Week 40 of my journey and I still haven’t mastered it. It’s okay, though. I will, one day.  I did quite a bit of reading over the weekend and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not alone. There are a lot of people out there that feel the same way I do, who are going through the same things I am going through, and who are looking for ways to be successful. I feel their pain. I also feel their excitement.

Don’t get me wrong. Through all this extra complaining and drama, I am absolutely excited to be doing this. There will be setbacks. It’s a process. (That’s for you, Carlos.) I need to embrace it a little more like I did in the beginning. Look for more of that inspiration in others that are doing this, as well. I need to start internalizing my little wins a little more in this journey to help me stay motivated.

So, as I mentioned before, I did quite a bit of reading today. Actually the day was very nice, I went shopping because my pants are too big and I bought some new workout clothes. I then went and had lunch on my own where I read a bunch of different sites. You know, where you open up a site that leads to another and then it may lead to a youtube video or blog. Yeah, that’s what I did. It’s funny because I got to a page where someone was giving advice on how they managed their day to day relationship with food and I thought their comment was very interesting. So simple but very enlightening. I’m not going to paraphrase, but instead type it word for word…

I’ve cut out a lot of junk–particularly refined sugar–out of my diet lately. I imagine that I’m a 3rd party giving the food to my body and then I say in my head what I would say as I hand the food to my body. Is it “this will make you strong” OR “Here, good luck with this”?

OMG. This was amazing. Such an amazing way to look at it. I know it sounds simple but I never thought of this. I guess I almost have to take myself out of the equation. Make myself look in when I come to a crossroad. I know I’m talking a lot about this lately, but I feel like the last month or so, I have had a problem with food. I didn’t before. Part of me feels it may be the change of going back to work. It isn’t particularly stressful, but I feel that it’s such a big part of my day that diet tends to get pushed to the back burner. Well, not this week. I’m taking this guy’s advice. I need to start telling my body these things so that I make that conscience decision to eat what I eat and why. Why didn’t I think of this before? It’s so silly. This summer was easy because all I did was have diet in the front of my mind because that was my focus. It’ll get better. I’ll get through it. It will go back to normal.

Now, my goals for the week.

• Eat my prepped meals
• Drink plenty of water
• Go to the gym Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, & Saturday (if I can’t make it, do something at home)
• Ice/Elevate my foot each night (most nights I do, but there have been a couple where I should have)
• Quit being such a jerk to myself (normally I’m not, but some of the days in the month have been rough)
• Chill out

So, I’ve lot a little bit off focus this week. I’ve been in a rut and it really is painful.  I’m not even sure how to deal. My brain keeps telling me to just kick it back into gear but emotionally, I have been a complete mess. It seems to be the norm, though. One week will be great and the next will be just a complete mess.

I haven’t said anything about this, yet, but I’m pretty sure it’s all circling around my hurt foot. I’ve kind of been in denial about the whole thing…thinking it would get better faster if I didn’t talk about it. This has not been the case. It hurts at times, but it hurts more when I think about how much it has slowed me down.

I know that it will heal, but it feels like a lifetime has gone by since I have been 100%. I know it’s a part of the process, but I still get pissed when I think about it. Yeah, I know, it’s a bit dramatic, but I feel like I’m failing when I’m not able to do what I need to do. Actually, it’s not even that. It’s more of what I want to do. It’s slowed me down quite a bit. It’s changed my attitude. Which sucks. I don’t quite realize it until I start annoying myself.  Which isn’t a great feeling.

I know. Suck it up and fix it. I will.

It’s funny because I’m also mainly pissed because my routine has changed. I’m overthinking about my injury. I’m realizing that a small injury like this changes everything. It changes how I am at work and at the gym. It messes with my mind and I convince myself that this is the way it is now and I’m just going to have to live with it. 

This injury, although, a pain in my ass, has taught me something, though. Exercising is another thing that I love. This is a drug to me. Great. Another addiction. At least, this one is slowing taking over the other. It’s difficult, though, because of the limitations. (especially when being hurt) I can’t do what I want to do, yet. I’m slowly working up to it, but I know that I’ll eventually make it. It’s just been slow as hell.

I need some inspiration.