Stay Patient & Trust Your Journey

I don’t think there has ever been a night where I have needed to write as much as I need to right now.

I feel bad. Lonely. Defeated. I’m not even sure why. I have done nothing all day because I just can’t shake this sadness. I have wasted my day feeling sad. I’ve talked to hardly anyone today including Matt, who has given me the entire day to just let me be. Right now, I’m sitting in my car in the driveway with the windows rolled down because this is where I feel the best right now. There is only the noise of insects and passing cars. I feel far away. Like no one understands but I know that’s my own fault. I know I need to take care of myself and this is not a usual night but these take a toll on me emotional and it’s hard to come back.

I don’t like this feeling. I need to take a step back and pinpoint what triggers days like this. Although I’ve had days like this, I don’t think I have ever felt this bad. I know that writing it out helps. I just hope one day I can be done. I can be happy with who I am and what I’m trying to accomplish.

So I had a talk with Carlos again…

He saves me anytime I need to get something off my chest. Honestly, sometimes I’m a little disappointed when we do end up talking about ANOTHER THING that I’m going through. I do think of him as my friend and I know it’s not fair that I’m constantly using his expertise and getting his opinion on what’s wrong with me all the time. He helps me, though. I only hope one day I can repay him for all the guidance that he has offered me. No one has to do that, so it’s truly heartfelt when someone does it out of the kindness of their own heart and time. Thank you, Carlos. I owe you so much more than you could ever know. Nothing but love. 🙂

So, I learned a lot today. I learned about all the feelings that I haven’t truly uncovered…until today. I mean I’m still sorting through everything so I’m going to try and write things out as I remember but I may go back in at some point and write things in that I forgot. I want to use this post as a reminder for me when I end up feeling this way again.

So, Carlos and I talked about how I was feeling. I think I just needed to say everything out loud and explain how I felt because only then could I really process it. It’s hard to process things when you keep telling yourself the same things, over and over again.

Bottom Line: I’m burned out, mentally. I’m too comfortable, which makes me afraid to fail. Honestly, I think I’ve been living in a bubble. Just trying to protect myself from pushing myself. I think a lot of things have contributed to this, well, I know a lot of things have contributed to this. Screw it, I’m just going to list them (in no particular order) before I forget what I’m going to say.

1. I’m confused about where I’m going.
2. I’m not sure how to look at my journey anymore. What perspective am I looking through–where I started, where I am now, or where I want to be?
3. I’m not pushing; I’m too comfortable
4. Thinking that this next leg of my journey is going to be harder than the first one…so feeling a little overwhelmed.
5. Making excuses with my feet. Don’t get me wrong. They hurt. BUT—what am I doing to counter it? I’m not icing it. I’m not rolling it as much as I used to. IT’S MY CRUTCH. MY EXCUSE. I don’t use my machine at home very often because I know it will aggravate my foot but I’m not helping the cause by doing nothing.
6. My body. It’s changed, so I’ve changed. This one is hard for me because it’s such a part of my identity that I feel like I’ve changed inside. Which I know I have, but it shouldn’t change my personality. I feel like it does.

Really, though. I think Carlos had it right when he said that maybe I need to take a step back and ask myself why I’m not willing to fail. I didn’t really look at it like that before because that’s not the perspective that I have. I’m not looking at it like I’m not failing. I’m looking at it like I’m succeeding at what I’m doing, but that’s not true. I’m just in my comfort zone. I’m perfectly happy not working harder, not trying new things, or not failing. Actually, that’s usually what I avoid. FAILURE. I don’t like it. I try not to do it. And usually, because I’m an adult, and I put myself in the situations that I want to be put in, I don’t normally have to be in a contest of any type, EVER. I don’t put myself in situations where I have to lose or fail. This is sad to me. You know, this is also, weird to me because I love competition. But I like competitions that I can win. I don’t go out and join things that I won’t be successful at. You won’t see me challenging someone to a race because I know I won’t win. That’s ridiculous. Again, that’s pretty pathetic. Wow. This is an amazing realization to me because I always took pride in thinking I was the opposite way.

So, now what? I don’t know. This is all pretty new to me. I never realized how much of a mindshift you have to have in order to really understand how to process this. It’s hard and it’s tiring. I’m tired.

I guess I need to learn to step out of my comfort zone. Try new things that will push me to succeed in the things that I am working towards. OMGosh. Such a vague sentence.

To Be Cont’d. tomorrow

Just kidding. I’m back. 

Well, I’m back because I thought of something else I wanted to say.

Is this enough? Has my journey ended? I know I’m still moving forward but the person I was when I started isn’t the same person that I am now. Do I have the same momentum or drive that I did back then? If so, where the hell is it? I don’t want to become the person who ended her journey 150 pounds sooner than it should have.

Also, Carlos wanted to know who I thought I was worried about failing in front of…Honestly, first and foremost, myself. I do not want to be disappointed in myself because I have been nothing but disappointed in myself for the last 35 years. I am not counting the last year because that has been the most fulfilled year of my entire life, period. This makes me so sad to say because I have everything. I have a family who loves me, friends who I feel are the best people in the world, a husband who is amazing to me, but I always have always felt like I was such a huge disappointment because of my weight. I know who I am…This isn’t always a good thing, though. I’ve always tried to overshadow my weight with my personality. Over the years, I’ve become who I am because of my weight. I know how the world works and I’m not naive. I’m not saying that I don’t feel like I deserve what I have, but I know that first impressions are key so I try to win people over with my attitude. Now, does this make me a fake person. Maybe. Maybe not. I think it just makes me hyper aware that I may need to work double duty to get someone to take me seriously or give me a chance. I think this is why I am, the way I am. My personality is big because I have learned to adapt over the years. I really do think that it is because of my weight. I’m not saying that my personality isn’t me, but I think I’m me because of my weight. In a nutshell, since I was young, the goal wasn’t to have people’s first impression of me based on my weight, but to have them base it on me. So I beat them to it and showed them who I was before they could judge me on my looks.  I’ve worked hard to get where I am in every aspect of my life, but sometimes I feel like it could have gone a completely different way, if I would have let it. I couldn’t say if it would be more positive or completely negative. I guess I don’t want to know. I’m happy for the most part right now. I’d be lying if I said that everything was perfect. I mean, come on, read the post. This type of post is not written by a completely happy person. It’s written by someone who is confused, sad, tired, confused, angry, confused, and who is not completely happy with herself because she let it happen.

So, back to the question. Who am I afraid of failing in front of? Me, of course but maybe there is more to it than that. When I think about it very carefully, I know it’s ANYBODY. Now, I didn’t say EVERYBODY. I said ANYBODY. This, to me, is pretty intense. It makes me think about just how insecure I am in my own skin. I really am, when I think about it.  But not when I don’t think about it. Got it?

In other words, the insecurity is always there but I hide it from myself most of the time. It only really comes out when I process things. Or take the time to beat myself up about things.

So, can we go back to the paragraph where I proceed to let whoever is reading this to know that I have been disappointed in myself my entire life? I started writing this paragraph with the intention of making an excuse but why bother? It’s true. This is probably the first time that I have admitted this to myself. I’d like to think that I practice self-love now but I never did in the past. I think I see it as a reward now and back then the only thing I ever rewarded myself with was food. You know the rest…

Okay, so that was the first 35 years of my life. Can we turn this around? I think so. At least make whatever life I have left something I can say I went down swinging for. The last year has taught me that I have to love myself. I think this may be where I am starting to fall into my old ways again. I think I need to figure out a way to fall in love with the process again. Maybe something to work towards? A new goal? Something that I can be proud of. I think that if I start to lose sight of what I’m working for, I’m going to be lost again and this year will turn into 36.

Again, the fear of failure sets in and it makes me pull the reigns in because it’s the safe thing to do. When you don’t try, there is no chance at failing. This is why I’m okay with it. But I shouldn’t be.

I’d wanted to write about this for a little while now. Clothes and Weight loss. How important are these? Not only are you dealing with changes physically, but you are dealing with mental changes, as well. One of the changes you will see throughout your journey is how your body changes and how your clothes have to keep up. Change can be a good thing especially if your clothes are getting smaller. It’s not great on the wallet but it’s pretty good (mostly) on the mental side. So, I wanted to walk you through some of the changes in my clothes that I have had to make.

Let’s start with my bra. So, I wasn’t proud of this but I got up to a 56D in bras. If you don’t know what this means, simply, the number tells you how much your torso measures and the letter gives you your cup size. When I started in February, this was my size. I haven’t had a dramatic change to my bra but there has been a change. Currently I am wearing a 48D but am more towards a 46, as I have had to go to the shorter hooks on the bra.

Shirts…Now, this one is still kind of tough to explain. Being a larger woman, I have to shop,mostly, at stores that sell plus size clothing. There are plenty of these stores around but when I first started my journey, even the plus size stores were starting to be difficult to find clothes in. I realized this was a major problem. I even got to the point where I couldn’t buy them locally so I had to order online and just hope that I could find something. At this point in my life, everything was limited. Not a great way to live your life. Back to the clothes…I’ll give measurements so it’s easier to understand. When first beginning the journey I was in a 5X shirts. Measurements for a 5X include a bust of 61 inches. I did fit in these but they were hard to find. It was rough because these were the sizes that the stores didn’t carry a lot of because they didn’t have to. I’m now in a 3X, sometimes 2X depending on the type of shirt. At most plus size stores, I can wear a 2X but when it comes to stores like Target or Walmart, I have to lean towards a 3X. Sizing usually does vary from brand to brand so that’s understandable.

Now, to my pant size. This is the most stressful of them all. So, although I have lost quite a bit, most of it seems to be from my waist and back. Not very noticeable from my hips or thighs or butt. Although, this may seem true, I have actually lost quite a bit from my lower body. Before we talk measurements, a little information. Again, when first starting my journey, I got to the point where I couldn’t buy pants at my local plus size stores because they didn’t make them in my size. Repeat, they didn’t make them in my size. It wasn’t because they didn’t carry them in stock, but because they didn’t make them. I had let myself get to the point where I couldn’t even go out and buy a pair of pants if I needed them. Ridiculous. So, I had to order them online.  When I first started, I was in a size 42W. The measurements for a 42W are 63″ waist and 71″ hip measurement, which is equivalent to a 7X. This was the size that I was not able to find anywhere except online and even then, the styles were limited to one type of pant style. Now, although, not an ideal size I am now at a size 30W, which is equivalent to like a 3X with measurements of 51″ waist and 59″ hips, according the brand sizing chart.

So, again, these are not ideal sizes that someone would want to be in but I really do think that I’m moving in the right direction especially compared to where I was.

Information & Pictures

 January 2017                                                                   July 2018

Bra                    56D                                                                                 48D

Shirt                  5X                                                                                 2X/3X

Pant               42W/7X (63” waist/71” hips)                                     30W/4X (52” waist/61” hips)

I was officially on summer break about three weeks ago but I had a lot going on so it really didn’t feel like it. I was asked to sit in on interviews for some positions in our district and then I left for a conference for about 5 days. It was pretty busy and I know I could have done a better job to manage my time…But here we are with only about two weeks left until I go back to work. Which I’m really okay with because I enjoy my job. So, that’s all boring information. I really don’t know why I’m even mentioning that. What I really want to talk about is where I am right now. How am I feeling? What could I do to be better? And why do I feel the need to constantly evaluate my life? But isn’t that what this blog is for? A way to take a step back and look at myself from the outside.

So let’s tackle these questions.

Where am I?

I’m in a pretty good place most of the time. Honestly, my mind races so much throughout the day that my favorite place right now is working out or doing something physical. Weird, huh? Who would’ve thought? I enjoy walking places and doing things outside but I really haven’t experienced that in a long time because of the amount of weight I had put on. I need to make it more of a habit to go out and do things. I’d eventually like to buy a bike and go for long rides. Deep down, these types of goals are what help keep me going. I can’t even stress how much of the physical stuff I can’t do, weighs on my mind. It’s not that I think about it negatively, but I crave it. I want to do all of the things I can’t do because of my lack of mobility. I want to be a runner so bad, not because I can’t right now but because I know it can be a great way to escape. I want to go on these amazing hikes so bad, not because I can’t right now but because of the beauty that is out there to see. I want to be strong so bad, not because I can’t right now but because of the mental strength it will give me. I want to do these things so bad, not because I can’t right now but because I will someday. This is the goal.

Which brings me to exercise. I love it. I love the’you can do anything’ attitude that Carlos seems to instill in me (and I’m sure everyone else) every time I walk into his place. He seems to always say something to me that really stays with me and I can’t let go. Today, like every day since I’ve been there, was “fail harder”. He says this a lot and I know it’s because he believes in it and not just giving me a way to feel better about myself when I don’t beat my time or don’t do things better. I’m pretty sure these words mean a lot to him because he says them proudly, without any doubt, like this is the way we need to live life. I want that mindset. (Shout out to PTC!) I’m amazed at what two little words can do for someone.

What could I do to be better?

A lot of things. I know this. I try to be better each time I go in to workout but it’s not always easy. I try to be better with the food I’ve been eating, which I have been, but I need to make sure that I keep the right mindset about food. No going back to my old ways of binging on certain things for comfort. I haven’t done this is a long time. Not since being at Plyo. I’ve had a couple of setbacks but nothing crazy.

With working out, I feel amazing when I’m done. Which sounds ridiculous because it should be something that you do and move on from. It should be a part of your daily routine. But not for me. This is a crazy new part of my life that I need to just embrace. Honestly, I think it’s made me a better person towards others and towards myself. Part of me never wants it to become the norm of my life, that wouldn’t make it exciting. I think that would take out the fun and just add pressure. I want it to always feel new to me. I want that feeling of excitement and joy to stay. The adrenaline rush I feel after I have put in the work. This pushes me more than anyone will ever know. I love to think about ways I can change, ways I can get better, and what some of my goals are for the near and distant future. I’m very vocal about the fact that I love going to workout. I’m sure I annoy everyone but it doesn’t bother me.

As far as eating goes, I think I’m making positive changes, but it all comes down to having that mindset. I know I can be better. It’s going to take work. Meal prepping has been a life saver. It takes the work out of the majority of the week and keeps me accountable. I’ve struggled with this for years, so a lot of damage has been caused.

And why do I feel the need to constantly evaluate my life?

This is something I do because it’s necessary. I struggle. A lot. I know this. If I don’t take a step back and reflect, I really believe it would be all for nothing. It would be a waste because there will be no meaning behind it. I feel that when you do things, they should have purpose.

I’ve started and stopped this post many times, but I think it’s time to finish it.

On May 14th I lost one of my closest and dearest friends.

In 2013, Erika was diagnosed with a form of leukemia called Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. She took the diagnosis very hard and spent the first 7 months after her diagnosis in the hospital. She battled infection after infection and couldn’t seem to fight it hard enough to stay well. After 7 months in the hospital, she pushed and was able to go home. It was a hard road to remission but it worked. She worked on being strong and getting better the last 5 years, but it was tough. She struggled and fought all the way.

In March of 2018, she called me with news having to do with a friend’s passing and then let me know that her leukemia had come back, as well. She was strong when she told me. She was optimistic and told me she was going to start chemo on Monday, two days later. We met up for lunch the day before her chemo and she seemed in good spirits, ready to battle. She stayed in the hospital for a month, as scheduled and returned home to wait on her next chemo stay. During her second round of chemo in the hospital, there were complications and she had a stroke and wasn’t able to come back from it.

I only write these details down because I don’t ever want to forget them. These are things that make me realize that she was one of the strongest people that I knew. She went through so much and I wasn’t even there for everything. She fought for her friends and her family. She knew she needed to be strong for them.

Something else I don’t want to forget is what my friendship with her was and will always be. I loved Erika because we were the same and different. We really had different personalities, but we loved the same things. We loved being silly and just talking about everything.  She was a caring, nurturing person who always took care of others. Her home was always open to friends and family. In college, more often than not, there would be people sprawled out on her apartment floor just because we stayed up to late talking and it was just easier to sleep over. She loved the feeling she got from her loved ones being close.

So, how did I meet Erika? During my first few college days in San Marcos, I met Adrian through my friend, Cheeze. Adrian became my friend because he was also a music major at SWT. He introduced me to his girlfriend, Erika, and we hit it off from there. It was a pretty instant friendship. As I went to college with them, I spent a lot of time with Erika. I think in college, you rely on your friends to help get you through some of the scary days of being away from your hometown and I think Erika and I did this for each other. We spent a lot of time together just enjoying each other’s company. Whether it was just driving around in my little blue ranger or going to visit Adrian at Wal-Mart or even just watching really dumb movies, over and over again…we just clicked. We watched Zoolander and Drumline…a lot. We just got along. When I moved away, it didn’t change. We didn’t see each other as much, but we planned trips to see her and always talked on the phone.  Our relationship was special because it felt like we grew up together. I think the time you spend in college is a rare time that you get to know what type of adult you are/want to become and you hope to surround yourself with friends that will stay in your life for as long as they can. This is the time that you use to grow and become someone that you can be proud of. I know the friendship I had with Erika encompassed all the traits that I thought were meaningful to have in a friendship. She was my person.  I knew we would be friends for life.

This was our friendship for 16 years. We saw each other through so much. We were in each others’ lives as we went through boyfriends, graduations, engagements, weddings, a baby, a couple of apartments rented, a couple of houses bought, jobs, careers, a lot of sleepovers, lots of friends’ weddings, bridesmaid’s dresses, a lot of breakfast tacos, lunches, dinners, snacks, movies, who-knows-how- many miles driven in who-knows-how-many vehicles, towns visited, pictures taken, late night talks, all-night swimming, late night laundry, creepy boys’ feet from across the complex, late night phone calls, crying about boys, crying about husbands, laughing at anything and everything, bird nests in our plants, lots of care packages, so much music, falling asleep on sofas, too many margaritas, my clumsiness, a mugging, burnt cupcakes, Hastings, the firefighters, open bars, flip-flops at Grin’s restaurant, our ice skating across a car wash, the two boys upstairs, the bus stop, and last, but certainly not least, her hate for the song With You by Jessica Simpson.

I miss her very much.

So, I haven’t blogged much about food, partly because food and I have a love/hate relationship.  But honestly, my relationship with food has been way better than it has been in years but it has been a rough road. Lately, though, I’ve been dealing with a lot of realizations that have become very eye opening to me. I’ve realized that I probably had a problem and maybe, sorta, probably still do, at least with the mental aspect of it. So I want to throw it all out there…

Before I started working out, I had the most horrible diet. I didn’t realize this until I stood back and took a good long look at what I was eating. Now this feels like a lifetime ago, but I can clearly remember the habits that I had developed over my entire life and just how much they negatively impacted me daily. Even as I started to exercise I never really admitted to myself that these were things that I did. I think I’ve finally realized that what I did could clearly be considered a problem. It wasn’t something that just happened. Food was mentally draining to me, yet the only thing that really brought on joy. The ‘joy’ was temporary. But it was necessary to deal with a lot of things that I went through. By no means, was my life terrible but I did have a lot of issues. My weight crept up on me my entire life. I had instances where I would lose some but then gain it back plus some more. These were just temporary diets that I failed at because they were not sustainable. Then again, I thought that’s just what my life was. I was destined to just be overweight all my life. I was going to be that person that just fit that role. Now, I’m going to try and fix this issue before it gets even more out of hand.

So back to the food thing…again, I didn’t think I had a problem. But I did. I do…

This is so hard to write because even though I know I have a problem and am trying to fix it, writing it down makes it so final.

I used to binge eat. I didn’t know it, really. But I guess in my mind, I did. I don’t know. It’s hard to say.

I used to eat in secret. I did know this. I mean this was my way of not letting others know what I was doing.

I don’t do this anymore. Partly because I don’t want to fall back on old habits and partly because I don’t keep bad stuff in my house anymore. Now, there are times, when I want to so badly. Especially when I’m stressed, but again, no bad food equals less likely to binge. Now, there are times when I overeat good things but it’s because I’m still working on it. Overeating is still overeating, no matter what you are eating. I can handle myself a little more though when it’s good for you foods.

So, that’s about it. This time. I’ll talk more about my past food relationship next time.

Now, let’s talk about the gym. I got asked a good question today (thanks, Carlos!) and I wanted to write about it.

How did we get here? I say ‘we’ because I didn’t get here by myself. I’m not sure exactly what this questions means, but I’m going to answer this the best I can.  So, at some point there was a shift in mindset. If I think back, I’d have to say it was early on in my journey, but really, I feel like there were multiple shifts. Each time, they were more powerful and more driven. It was like each time I accomplished something that I didn’t think I could do, I felt that confidence boost that led me to the next goal. Also, it is a HUGE help that my trainer and I have a great friendship. He is definitely more than a trainer. He’s a friend, who I can count on for advice and to guide me in the right direction. He’s one of those friends that you can trust because you know he has your best interest in mind. Enough about my trainer, though, because I’m pretty sure he’s reading this.

Again, how did I get here? I like this question because it makes me think about all the things that we’ve done to help get me this far. When I think back to a year and a half ago, I think only of the limitations I put on myself, mentally and physically. Can you believe it…I can even go as far as to say I used to not be able to touch my toes as I stood. I can do it now. I can walk up stairs and not get tired as fast. I can get on the floor and not struggle as much  to get up. I can lift heavy stuff that I couldn’t before. I can take longer, faster walks. I can spend an hour and a half MOVING. This is the incredible part. I feel like this is why I talk about the gym. This is why I like going. The biggest turning point happened at Plyofit. This is where I learned to love to move and realized that it wasn’t so bad. That it was actually fun. This is where I learned to not be lazy, but to push myself like I never had before. This is where I learned to be goal-oriented, more efficient, and learn new things.  This is where i learned to become the better version of myself. Plyofit became my place to unwind, decompress, try new things, or just get away from everyday life. It was full of possibilities. 

So, let’s think about the past. Let’s bring up all the stuff I couldn’t do or really never tried because I thought I couldn’t. Honestly, it was because I couldn’t. Physically, that was the main problem but it was deeper than that. It was a mental issue. Being overweight is rough when you think about the physical limitations, but honestly, I was tired of the mental strain it put on me. I was tired of always thinking ahead when it came to new environments. When you are overweight you have to be aware of the limitations you have. Limitations include meeting people at restaurants and hoping they wouldn’t sit in a booth, or hoping that where you’re going with someone wasn’t going to be too far to walk, or even just being able to keep while holding a conversation. It’s draining when you are trying to be one step ahead the whole time. Now, I still think about things like this but it’s not as bad. My mobility has completely changed. I’m nowhere I want to be but I’m on my way. Since starting to workout, I feel like so much is possible. It not only gives me a sense of accomplishment when I do it, but it gets me excited to try new things. It has been such a great experience. The best decision I’ve made.