I was officially on summer break about three weeks ago but I had a lot going on so it really didn’t feel like it. I was asked to sit in on interviews for some positions in our district and then I left for a conference for about 5 days. It was pretty busy and I know I could have done a better job to manage my time…But here we are with only about two weeks left until I go back to work. Which I’m really okay with because I enjoy my job. So, that’s all boring information. I really don’t know why I’m even mentioning that. What I really want to talk about is where I am right now. How am I feeling? What could I do to be better? And why do I feel the need to constantly evaluate my life? But isn’t that what this blog is for? A way to take a step back and look at myself from the outside.
So let’s tackle these questions.
Where am I?
I’m in a pretty good place most of the time. Honestly, my mind races so much throughout the day that my favorite place right now is working out or doing something physical. Weird, huh? Who would’ve thought? I enjoy walking places and doing things outside but I really haven’t experienced that in a long time because of the amount of weight I had put on. I need to make it more of a habit to go out and do things. I’d eventually like to buy a bike and go for long rides. Deep down, these types of goals are what help keep me going. I can’t even stress how much of the physical stuff I can’t do, weighs on my mind. It’s not that I think about it negatively, but I crave it. I want to do all of the things I can’t do because of my lack of mobility. I want to be a runner so bad, not because I can’t right now but because I know it can be a great way to escape. I want to go on these amazing hikes so bad, not because I can’t right now but because of the beauty that is out there to see. I want to be strong so bad, not because I can’t right now but because of the mental strength it will give me. I want to do these things so bad, not because I can’t right now but because I will someday. This is the goal.
Which brings me to exercise. I love it. I love the’you can do anything’ attitude that Carlos seems to instill in me (and I’m sure everyone else) every time I walk into his place. He seems to always say something to me that really stays with me and I can’t let go. Today, like every day since I’ve been there, was “fail harder”. He says this a lot and I know it’s because he believes in it and not just giving me a way to feel better about myself when I don’t beat my time or don’t do things better. I’m pretty sure these words mean a lot to him because he says them proudly, without any doubt, like this is the way we need to live life. I want that mindset. (Shout out to PTC!) I’m amazed at what two little words can do for someone.
What could I do to be better?
A lot of things. I know this. I try to be better each time I go in to workout but it’s not always easy. I try to be better with the food I’ve been eating, which I have been, but I need to make sure that I keep the right mindset about food. No going back to my old ways of binging on certain things for comfort. I haven’t done this is a long time. Not since being at Plyo. I’ve had a couple of setbacks but nothing crazy.
With working out, I feel amazing when I’m done. Which sounds ridiculous because it should be something that you do and move on from. It should be a part of your daily routine. But not for me. This is a crazy new part of my life that I need to just embrace. Honestly, I think it’s made me a better person towards others and towards myself. Part of me never wants it to become the norm of my life, that wouldn’t make it exciting. I think that would take out the fun and just add pressure. I want it to always feel new to me. I want that feeling of excitement and joy to stay. The adrenaline rush I feel after I have put in the work. This pushes me more than anyone will ever know. I love to think about ways I can change, ways I can get better, and what some of my goals are for the near and distant future. I’m very vocal about the fact that I love going to workout. I’m sure I annoy everyone but it doesn’t bother me.
As far as eating goes, I think I’m making positive changes, but it all comes down to having that mindset. I know I can be better. It’s going to take work. Meal prepping has been a life saver. It takes the work out of the majority of the week and keeps me accountable. I’ve struggled with this for years, so a lot of damage has been caused.
And why do I feel the need to constantly evaluate my life?
This is something I do because it’s necessary. I struggle. A lot. I know this. If I don’t take a step back and reflect, I really believe it would be all for nothing. It would be a waste because there will be no meaning behind it. I feel that when you do things, they should have purpose.