So I had a talk with Carlos again…
He saves me anytime I need to get something off my chest. Honestly, sometimes I’m a little disappointed when we do end up talking about ANOTHER THING that I’m going through. I do think of him as my friend and I know it’s not fair that I’m constantly using his expertise and getting his opinion on what’s wrong with me all the time. He helps me, though. I only hope one day I can repay him for all the guidance that he has offered me. No one has to do that, so it’s truly heartfelt when someone does it out of the kindness of their own heart and time. Thank you, Carlos. I owe you so much more than you could ever know. Nothing but love. 🙂
So, I learned a lot today. I learned about all the feelings that I haven’t truly uncovered…until today. I mean I’m still sorting through everything so I’m going to try and write things out as I remember but I may go back in at some point and write things in that I forgot. I want to use this post as a reminder for me when I end up feeling this way again.
So, Carlos and I talked about how I was feeling. I think I just needed to say everything out loud and explain how I felt because only then could I really process it. It’s hard to process things when you keep telling yourself the same things, over and over again.
Bottom Line: I’m burned out, mentally. I’m too comfortable, which makes me afraid to fail. Honestly, I think I’ve been living in a bubble. Just trying to protect myself from pushing myself. I think a lot of things have contributed to this, well, I know a lot of things have contributed to this. Screw it, I’m just going to list them (in no particular order) before I forget what I’m going to say.
- I’m confused about where I’m going.
- I’m not sure how to look at my journey anymore. What perspective am I looking through–where I started, where I am now, or where I want to be?
- I’m not pushing; I’m too comfortable
- Thinking that this next leg of my journey is going to be harder than the first one…so feeling a little overwhelmed.
- Making excuses with my feet. Don’t get me wrong. They hurt. BUT—what am I doing to counter it? I’m not icing it. I’m not rolling it as much as I used to. IT’S MY CRUTCH. MY EXCUSE. I don’t use my machine at home very often because I know it will aggravate my foot but I’m not helping the cause by doing nothing.
- My body. It’s changed, so I’ve changed. This one is hard for me because it’s such a part of my identity that I feel like I’ve changed inside. Which I know I have, but it shouldn’t change my personality. I feel like it does.
Really, though. I think Carlos had it right when he said that maybe I need to take a step back and ask myself why I’m not willing to fail. I didn’t really look at it like that before because that’s not the perspective that I have. I’m not looking at it like I’m not failing. I’m looking at it like I’m succeeding at what I’m doing, but that’s not true. I’m just in my comfort zone. I’m perfectly happy not working harder, not trying new things, or not failing. Actually, that’s usually what I avoid. FAILURE. I don’t like it. I try not to do it. And usually, because I’m an adult, and I put myself in the situations that I want to be put in, I don’t normally have to be in a contest of any type, EVER. I don’t put myself in situations where I have to lose or fail. This is sad to me. You know, this is also, weird to me because I love competition. But I like competitions that I can win. I don’t go out and join things that I won’t be successful at. You won’t see me challenging someone to a race because I know I won’t win. That’s ridiculous. Again, that’s pretty pathetic. Wow. This is an amazing realization to me because I always took pride in thinking I was the opposite way.
So, now what? I don’t know. This is all pretty new to me. I never realized how much of a mindshift you have to have in order to really understand how to process this. It’s hard and it’s tiring. I’m tired.
I guess I need to learn to step out of my comfort zone. Try new things that will push me to succeed in the things that I am working towards. OMGosh. Such a vague sentence.
To Be Cont’d. tomorrow
Just kidding. I’m back.
Well, I’m back because I thought of something else I wanted to say.
Is this enough? Has my journey ended? I know I’m still moving forward but the person I was when I started isn’t the same person that I am now. Do I have the same momentum or drive that I did back then? If so, where the hell is it? I don’t want to become the person who ended her journey 150 pounds sooner than it should have.
Also, Carlos wanted to know who I thought I was worried about failing in front of…Honestly, first and foremost, myself. I do not want to be disappointed in myself because I have been nothing but disappointed in myself for the last 35 years. I am not counting the last year because that has been the most fulfilled year of my entire life, period. This makes me so sad to say because I have everything. I have a family who loves me, friends who I feel are the best people in the world, a husband who is amazing to me, but I always have always felt like I was such a huge disappointment because of my weight. I know who I am…This isn’t always a good thing, though. I’ve always tried to overshadow my weight with my personality. Over the years, I’ve become who I am because of my weight. I know how the world works and I’m not naive. I’m not saying that I don’t feel like I deserve what I have, but I know that first impressions are key so I try to win people over with my attitude. Now, does this make me a fake person. Maybe. Maybe not. I think it just makes me hyper aware that I may need to work double duty to get someone to take me seriously or give me a chance. I think this is why I am, the way I am. My personality is big because I have learned to adapt over the years. I really do think that it is because of my weight. I’m not saying that my personality isn’t me, but I think I’m me because of my weight. In a nutshell, since I was young, the goal wasn’t to have people’s first impression of me based on my weight, but to have them base it on me. So I beat them to it and showed them who I was before they could judge me on my looks. I’ve worked hard to get where I am in every aspect of my life, but sometimes I feel like it could have gone a completely different way, if I would have let it. I couldn’t say if it would be more positive or completely negative. I guess I don’t want to know. I’m happy for the most part right now. I’d be lying if I said that everything was perfect. I mean, come on, read the post. This type of post is not written by a completely happy person. It’s written by someone who is confused, sad, tired, confused, angry, confused, and who is not completely happy with herself because she let it happen.
So, back to the question. Who am I afraid of failing in front of? Me, of course but maybe there is more to it than that. When I think about it very carefully, I know it’s ANYBODY. Now, I didn’t say EVERYBODY. I said ANYBODY. This, to me, is pretty intense. It makes me think about just how insecure I am in my own skin. I really am, when I think about it. But not when I don’t think about it. Got it?
In other words, the insecurity is always there but I hide it from myself most of the time. It only really comes out when I process things. Or take the time to beat myself up about things.
So, can we go back to the paragraph where I proceed to let whoever is reading this to know that I have been disappointed in myself my entire life? I started writing this paragraph with the intention of making an excuse but why bother? It’s true. This is probably the first time that I have admitted this to myself. I’d like to think that I practice self-love now but I never did in the past. I think I see it as a reward now and back then the only thing I ever rewarded myself with was food. You know the rest…
Okay, so that was the first 35 years of my life. Can we turn this around? I think so. At least make whatever life I have left something I can say I went down swinging for. The last year has taught me that I have to love myself. I think this may be where I am starting to fall into my old ways again. I think I need to figure out a way to fall in love with the process again. Maybe something to work towards? A new goal? Something that I can be proud of. I think that if I start to lose sight of what I’m working for, I’m going to be lost again and this year will turn into 36.
Again, the fear of failure sets in and it makes me pull the reigns in because it’s the safe thing to do. When you don’t try, there is no chance at failing. This is why I’m okay with it. But I shouldn’t be.