Stay Patient & Trust Your Journey

This post isn’t meant to be discouraging but it is what happened so I needed to write about it. I’ll go back to normal. I just need a moment.  

Last night I had a great night with the hubs. We went out for a great comedy show that we both had been looking forward to for a long time. We had a great dinner and then decided we would do something productive at 12:30 am. So we went grocery shopping…very uneventful but we were able to grab some healthier things. I really enjoyed the fact that the hubs and I went together. Which probably is the reason that my emotions were running so high. Everything was great until we got home…

Have you ever had a feeling come over you so hard that you don’t know how to process it? When we got home, I had so many feelings just rush over my body and mind that I wanted to punch a wall. All of a sudden, I felt so overwhelmed. It came on and I couldn’t stop it. Half of my brain kept telling me to stop and think and process but the other half continued to feel sadness, anger, and a complete sense of overwhelming insecurity. I had to talk things out with my husband. I had to explain what I was feeling.

It took me a little while to be able to explain myself. This first thing I needed to do was explain that I was having an overload of some sort. I needed him to know that this was something that was about me and how I was feeling or maybe even not feeling. It was a very confusing moment for me.

We talked. I cried. He listened. I love him for that. I let him know how I felt. All of my emotions were out so I didn’t want to scare him off. He understood.

I’m lucky to have my husband. He’s a great man. He’s hard on himself sometimes when it comes to me and my emotions but he really shouldn’t be. This journey has taken me on a roller coaster of emotions that I have to understand before anyone else should understand.

After emoting a bunch of nonsense, I realized that this talk was overdue. Since starting my weight loss journey, we had conversations about it but we never really talked about it. He apologized for not being as supportive as he should have been, but that’s not even true. He has been supportive, but I also know it’s hard when someone in a relationship is changing. I know I am changing. I can feel myself different. I don’t mean just changing physically, but I know I am changing in all aspects.

Changing is very scary. When you have been one way all of your life and then, all of a sudden, decide that this isn’t working, it can take a toll. You can get lost in the process. Almost like you’re looking in on a stranger. Now, I know that this is just part of what makes this a challenge, but as I said before, it can be scary. I don’t want to be different…my goal was to just lose the weight but you really can’t do one without the other.

So I weighed in today and I almost made it. 99.7 pounds is nothing to cry about. Honestly, I can’t believe it. I owe a lot of people everything. It’s crazy to think that in January, I weighed almost 100 pounds more than I do now.

Now, let’s start on the next 100.

So this week is going to be my new beginning. I slacked off this last week in the food department. I wasn’t prepared going into the week and I could have made better choices. I took some time to food prep tonight and have snack ready for the week.  There is no excuse about not staying on track. The goal is to eat at home.

So, back to this past week…I don’t want to dwell on my mistakes because, well, that’s a goal of mine, but I do want to take the time to reflect. When I started eating better and exercising something happened to me that shifted the way I look at food. I guess I never realized how much I ate just to eat. I’d like to think that it was nothing to do with my emotions, but in the end, it really was. This is how I coped.

Last week, I had a feeling come over me that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I felt sadness, desperation, and a complete loss of control. This feeling was brought on by a choice I made at the store. I bought a sweet at the store for NO REASON. I wasn’t hungry. I wasn’t dying. I didn’t even want it. BUT I DIDN’T THINK ABOUT THOSE THINGS BECAUSE I FORGOT (FOR A SPLIT SECOND) THAT I HAD CHANGED. I ate this sweet and as I finished it, I felt nothing but dissatisfaction, sadness, and shame. But it wasn’t because of what I ate. On this diet change, I still eat things that belong to this food group, but the main different is that I don’t feel shame when I choose to eat them. This choice at the store, at this time, was not a mindful choice. I didn’t think about it. It wasn’t something I thought about. It was as if muscle memory had taken over.

A year ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about purchasing anything like this. This makes me sad because I wonder…did I feel like this all the time? This is no way to live. Did I feel sadness with each of the foods I chose last year? Did I feel shame each time I chose to eat something that may have not been considered healthy?

Or was it just the norm of my life and that’s what I did. Both make me feel really sad for my past self. I won’t feel that way again.

This week has been pretty good. I went to the gym 4 days in a row and my food choices weren’t completely out of control. They could be better so that will be my goal. I recently turned 36 and had a wonderful time for my birthday. I finally have seen a change somewhat in my appearance. I still have a long way to go but it’s nice to notice the change.

So I had a conversation today with Carlos and had some enlightening thoughts. I realized that I’ve almost lost 100 pounds. This is crazy to me. So, he asked me about how I felt this time, last year.  Hmmm..? So we had a convo about it but when I got home I had to really think about it some more.

This is an easy and hard question to answer. A year ago, I was feeling tired. I was feeling physically tired but not due to physical exertion. I know that sounds impossible or at least not probable, but it’s how I felt. I seemed to always find a way to not move. It was easy to just be lazy (even though that took work). Ugh. So hard to explain. It was mentally draining to always figure out a way to be lazy. It was easy to just blame everything on my lack of focus and drive. I wasn’t wanting to change, this time last year. I was content with being stagnant. I didn’t mind the feeling of tiredness, ineffectiveness, or laziness because I didn’t know any other way to be. (sad, but true) It didn’t take much to keep me UN-motivated. I didn’t try at all. Then as I stayed stagnant, I realized that I wanted to be able to enjoy my life without any limitations. Now, I didn’t all of a sudden decide this…this was after I started after the gym. I only went because I had expressed interest to Melissa about it. She then reminded me but I never took her up on her offer. Then one day, as I’m passing Glory’s office, she asked me about joining. I didn’t have an excuse so I promised her I would go that week. I figured I would check it out. I didn’t have high expectations and I didn’t think I would like it. But I made a promise. It started out really rough. It was so difficult. I did a lot of walking and only stayed about 30 minutes. It’s amazing how much a person can change in just a few months.

Throughout this journey, I finally realized that I was FINALLY tired of being tired. I needed to do something. FAST.

This has been the craziest week for me through the entire 7 months. I’m exhausted and I’m mentally drained. I’ve been busting my butt at work. It’s a physically demanding job, way more than a teacher. I’m everywhere all the time. Honestly, I feel that losing the weight I have lost was to get me ready for this position. It seems like I was always being overlooked for these positions, but honestly, 85 pounds ago, I wouldn’t have been able to keep up. I’m taking this as my chance to move up in my career. I’d like to evetually be a VP or work in the curriculum department. I need to keep up with my weight loss in order to do this or it will be too hard to do, physically.

Going to Plyofit has been the reason I can keep up at work. Energy levels have been great. Plus, I can stay on my feet longer without getting fatigued. This is a great start.

I’m also ready for some new goals. It took me awhile. I’ve been reflecting a lot and I know where I need to be. I love the feeling of setting these goals becaue I know what I’m working for. They will make me better. As I go, I will reflect and readjust.

GOALS

• Meal Prep will be a priority
• I will keep hydrated
• Gym time will be 3-4 times a week
• I will start training for a 5K
• I will start celebrating my victories and not downplay them
• I will lose 100 pounds
• I will take time for my family
• I will take time for myself
• I will continue to journal for reflection

MY WILL NOTS

• I will not punish myself for my decisions.
• I will not compare myself to others (we all have different goals).
• I will not feel like I’ve let anyone down.
• I will not give up because that is the easy thing to do.
• I will not do easy, anymore.

So I’ve had an incredible few days. I’ve been full of energy and just excited. A few things have triggered this feeling but there is one event that has really been an eye opener for me. So, I got the job, which I’m excited and terrified about but I will 100% so it will be great. This has me so excited, but I truly don’t believe that this is the reason for my energy boost.

We had convocation on Friday and I cannot believe that I was able to walk up the amount of stairs that I did without holding onto the rail, stopping to catch my breath, or even slow down. I WAS IN SHOCK! I know that this doesn’t seem like much but it is. It’s an incredible thing for me because this is where I’m seeing these changes take place. It’s where I feel they are the most important. It’s not what I look like, but it’s more important how this journey is making me feel.

When I first came to the stairs, this feeling of dread came over me. I went into flight mode automatically. Thinking…how can I avoid these? I couldn’t. I was going to have to face them. It wasn’t a problem at all. I mean, it was such a non-issue that I even texted Carlos to let him know. Probably something he didn’t need to know about, but this was a huge thing for me.

Now, I know normally stairs shouldn’t be an issue but they have always been a struggle for me. Even a small number of them. My knees normally can’t handle them. This time, they didn’t hurt. Or they didn’t feel like they were going to give in under me. I didn’t have to shift my weight onto one particular knee or hold on to the rail to pull me up. It was incredible. This is all because of the push that Carlos has given me. The progression of the exercise that he has guided me through has made me stronger.

It seems like I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on what I have done so far. I’m not too sure why but it’s probably because I’m slowing down. I need to keep the momentum going because I don’t want it to sway the way I am feeling. This has been the toughest 6 months I have had in a very long time. I can’t seem to shake that feeling that it is going to come to an end and I won’t be strong enough to keep going. I have put so much time and energy into this that I can’t fail. I just need to keep working. I need to be flexible. I need to embrace change. I need to keep facing forward.

Remember–Keep moving, keep making healthier choices, keep positive. When you fall, you will get back up.

It’s already August 6, 2017 and I didn’t take the time to set new goals. It’s been a rough week with workshops and interviewing for a new job. That has completely thrown me off. Also, the gym has kicked my butt this week. I haven’t felt this sore since I started. Although I haven’t set new goals, I’ve been keeping up with my old ones-hitting the gym as much as possible and hitting 10,000 steps each day. I haven’t felt very successful, though. That kind of sucks because I know I’ve been putting in the time.

I know that I’m only feeling this way because summer is coming to an end. I’m not going to be able to put in as much time as I would like at the gym. Although, my time may be reduced, I think my eating habits will be way better at school. I tend to stick to breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner. Time flies at work so there is no time for snacking. Thank goodness.

Positives–I reduced my time in my 1 mile. In January, I wore a 5x and now I can wear a 3x.

So tomorrow is the start of a new month. I need to come up with some new goals for the month. I actually kept my goals for the month of July. I went to the gym everyday that I could and I met my steps for all days except one. Along with these two goals I also managed to lose a total of 79 pounds and I can see 100 lbs very close.

I started this lifestyle change 6 months ago and have stuck with it…a reason for celebration!

I have had such an amazing ride on this journey that I can barely contain myself. It has been nothing but hard work but I have enjoyed it so much. I have to admit, at first, I didn’t think I would make it only because I have such a long way to go. I have made a lot of changes throughout these last 6 months. By no means, am I perfect, and I have had days where my eating/tracking/exercising/any
thing fitness related kinda sucked, but I have always started over each time. This is a lot.
This is such a crazy thing to think about. This means that I have started at Plyofit and have kept up with it. I have had the time of my life at this gym because of the people and just how much they consider themselves a family. They take care of each other, encourage each other, and have fun doing it. It’s amazing. Nowhere else I’d rather be!
Before I go, again, I have to sing the praises of the amazing owner of Plyofit in San Antonio, Carlos Rodriguez. He is a great guy who really could have just written me off when I walked in, figuring I wasn’t going to stick with it. But he didn’t. He encouraged me and pushed me to be a better person through exercise, which is not only a physical game but definitely an emotional and mental game. He has gone above and beyond, not just for me, but for everyone who is a part of the Plyofit family. Here is to another 6 months!