A moment of weakness…

So this week is going to be my new beginning. I slacked off this last week in the food department. I wasn’t prepared going into the week and I could have made better choices. I took some time to food prep tonight and have snack ready for the week.  There is no excuse about not staying on track. The goal is to eat at home.

So, back to this past week…I don’t want to dwell on my mistakes because, well, that’s a goal of mine, but I do want to take the time to reflect. When I started eating better and exercising something happened to me that shifted the way I look at food. I guess I never realized how much I ate just to eat. I’d like to think that it was nothing to do with my emotions, but in the end, it really was. This is how I coped.

Last week, I had a feeling come over me that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I felt sadness, desperation, and a complete loss of control. This feeling was brought on by a choice I made at the store. I bought a sweet at the store for NO REASON. I wasn’t hungry. I wasn’t dying. I didn’t even want it. BUT I DIDN’T THINK ABOUT THOSE THINGS BECAUSE I FORGOT (FOR A SPLIT SECOND) THAT I HAD CHANGED. I ate this sweet and as I finished it, I felt nothing but dissatisfaction, sadness, and shame. But it wasn’t because of what I ate. On this diet change, I still eat things that belong to this food group, but the main different is that I don’t feel shame when I choose to eat them. This choice at the store, at this time, was not a mindful choice. I didn’t think about it. It wasn’t something I thought about. It was as if muscle memory had taken over.

A year ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about purchasing anything like this. This makes me sad because I wonder…did I feel like this all the time? This is no way to live. Did I feel sadness with each of the foods I chose last year? Did I feel shame each time I chose to eat something that may have not been considered healthy?

Or was it just the norm of my life and that’s what I did. Both make me feel really sad for my past self. I won’t feel that way again.