Author: BetteRocker

In my last post, I mentioned my trip to the beach…What I didn’t mention was the fight I had with the ocean. After spending a good amount of time in the water, I was getting the hang of the waves. They were rough due to the storms and winds coming through earlier in the week. The water was far from calm, but it was still nice to swim in. But it got me. It knocked me down, as soon as it got the chance and I had a rough time getting up. Each time I went to step up, the next wave got me. I was still in the shallow end so I could sit but, as I mentioned before, the waves were rough. At the time it was fun but I sure did feel the soreness from the waves a day later.

I mention this only for a reason…

This week was rough at work…On Thursday night, I lay in bed thinking about how beat up I felt. It took me back to the ocean. Things kept knocking me down but I couldn’t get back up, as hard as I tried. With each hit I kept getting, I felt more and more helpless. I felt defeated with each punch, like when I was in the water. Even after the week, I still felt that mental soreness from repeatedly being knocked down. It was a tough one. It felt like it never let up.

Now, I don’t normally have weeks like this, but for some reason this week was tough. It affected me at the gym, as well. My heart is always in it, but I think my head didn’t get that message this week.

It’s a new week, though. Things will be much better!

One of the things that I have always find myself doing is ‘assessing my environment’. I find out what is around me so that I can easily adapt or not put myself in certain situations. Recently, I have found that I don’t do it as often because I feel a little more confident in my own skin. I think deep down that my limitations have changed. I’ve come to a point where I’m questioning my decision to do something, partly because I’ve always done it, but it isn’t stopping me.

Recently I’ve been pushing myself to do things without having to feel the need to adapt because of my size or weight.

So, I have to say that this way of thinking can be freeing but a little stressful. But I know it’s what I need. I can’t stay in my bubble forever. I recently went on a trip to the beach. This trip was completely out of my comfort zone but I did it because there was no reason to not do it. My stresses when it comes to trips include things like going to be places and the amount of energy I have to exert in walking around. Questions like, can I keep up? How far are we going? Etc. Now I really feel these questions are valid because they are what take me out of my comfort zone. I feel out of control when I can’t answer these questions.

Back to my trip… It was great. I went not knowing anything about the environment I was getting into but did purposefully plan certain things. We stayed in this cute condo that was on the third floor… For me, this was big. You are talking to someone that always asks for a bottom floor when there is no elevator. I did this because I knew that I could climb 3 flights. I’ve been working my butt off at Plyofit because I need to be able to walk up 3 flights of stairs. We walked up and down those things with luggage and groceries on multiple occasions and I was fine. I was great. I didn’t regret it and definitely will take it as a win.

We also went to a baseball field where, again, I was a little apprehensive about my environment. I always am when it comes to seating. Questions that go through my head are, who am I sitting by? Am I in their space? Is the seat going to be big enough? How many stairs do I have to climb? Etc. I bought the tickets anyway. I knew in my head that everything would be good but you always worry. You don’t want something like that to ruin your day. Everything was great and I had nothing to worry about it.

It’s funny because these small little things don’t seem like much but they are. They mean everything to me. When I don’t see weight drop, these are the things I look for. Carlos taught me that. It’s not about the scale. There are so many other factors to take in like clothes fitting better, feeling more energized, being able to walk up 3 flights of stairs repeatedly, or fitting into a baseball stadium seat.

So I had a realization this week…

I’ve never had an issue with trying new things especially when I knew I was good at them. This can be a problem and lead to always being stuck in rut, so I realized that I should probably try and change that. I know that over the last few months I have been whining about being stuck, feeling a little too comfortable, blah, blah, blah…I think I’ve realized that I need to step out of my comfort zone and try new things.

A good friend said this one time…

You can’t be in that phase forever, even though it’s what you know. You eventually have to take some risks and fail harder in the process to get to the next level.

When I heard these words, I knew exactly what I was going to do. Take risks and fail, if I have to.

I’m going to add something new to my blog. I’m going to start documenting some of the things that I am trying out in order to get out of my comfort zone. For example, I went to the batting cages the other day. A year and a half ago, I would have passed up at the chance because it was too much work and I probably wouldn’t have done very well. Also, it involved moving around. I wasn’t comfortable doing that, yet. Well, I did it. I went with my niece and sister and I had such a great time. I will go back. It left me so sore but I was happy to have done it. I was excited that I felt comfortable doing it and I’m happy that I was able to participate in it. It was a lot of fun.

So look for a new tab on the home page! I think I’m going to title it Adventures! We’ll see, I may change it…

Imagine where you were three years ago…

I was posed this thought the other day as I lay tired, sweaty, and exhausted on the floor of Plyofit, one of my favorite places. Lucky to be taking part of an annual ritual for every Plyofit client…the birthday workout. Something that I have looked forward to all year. Now there’s a statement I never thought I would think, say out loud, or write down but here we are. So, as this thought, which was brought upon by Carlos, went through my mind it was his way to get me through the last few reps I had left…This really got me thinking. Where was I three years ago?

I was teaching 2nd grade at a brand new school. I was walking around with a smile on my face because that’s how I handled everything. I think I was content but I don’t believe I was completely happy with myself.  A part of me was always worried. I had all of these dreams, whether work or just life related, but I figured my weight would stop them in their tracks for many reasons. That wasn’t enough for me to do anything about it, though. I wasn’t ready to face the reality. I went through the motions for the most part because I didn’t have an outlet except for food and just being immobile. Again, I knew that this would deter any plans I had. Physically, I was in a place where most of my moving was from my car to my classroom along with some minimal movement in the classroom. I found ways around having to be mobile. I was lazy and I was good at it. I went home and I was lazy. I didn’t know any different because that’s who I was. Now, don’t get me wrong…this doesn’t make a person but I do believe it can break a person. I think I was almost there. Inside I was sad. I was angry at myself. I was embarrassed and I felt defeated. These were things I could change and I knew this, but honestly, what was more important? Breaking this bad cycle or not have to expend the energy? What would be easier? Trying or not trying? Questions that I would ask myself on a daily basis because if you at least think about changing, you are making an effort, right??? Right??? Again, none of this worked out for me.

So let’s talk physical…In 2015, I couldn’t touch my toes. I couldn’t walk a mile. I couldn’t stand, but for a few minutes at a time, without hurting. I definitely couldn’t do jackknives or squats. I love that these are things that I can say aren’t as difficult as they once were. Now, again, don’t get me wrong, I have a long way to go but as time passes and I spend more time doing these things, I feel like I make small significant changes because I’ve found something that I enjoy. I’ve found something that I can be proud of and say that I give 100% every time I do it.

Maybe the reasons I started Plyofit weren’t completely the right ones, but deep down I knew that it was the right thing. It’s funny because it did take a little bit of a push to get me into the gym, and I honestly would have bet money that I wouldn’t have stuck it out. I figured I would quit before it got to be something that I would even think twice about. I did prove myself wrong without trying to. I’m so glad I did. It’s the best thing I could have done for myself.

That was the long answer to the question…

Here’s the short answer to ‘where were you three years ago?’…Nowhere near where I am now. It’s amazing what you can do in a year and a half.

Just to remember where I was, these are some pictures from September of 2015. The change, although not as different as I’d like, is there, and on some days harder for me to see. I look at these pictures and I know exactly how I was feeling. Tired, worried, and just living a life I thought I deserved. One that I didn’t appreciate. Now, I can truly say that I am working hard to live my best life for me. 

This journey has been difficult. Not because it’s difficult to do but because in order to make all of the changes that I have made and all the ones that I am still in the process of making I have to think differently than I have.

The emotions. The processing. The time. The inability to foresee anything ahead. The lack of control that I sometimes have. These are all things that make the journey hard but so worth it. I could go on and on but I feel like I’m passed that only because I’ve let these ‘harder’ parts of my journey become something that I use to my advantage when I run into an obstacle. The person I am is way different than the person I used to be but that isn’t necessarily bad. I think I’m better for it and that was something I struggled with for a long time. I kept thinking change was bad but really it wasn’t change, it was growth.

For me, my growth, has been such a mental change that it caused a lot of chaos internally because I didn’t know it was happening at the time. If someone would have said to me in the beginning, not only is your body going to change but so is your thought process with EVERYTHING you do, I wouldn’t have understood. You have to live it to truly understand. With growth, comes a truly wonderful, internal battle of how you thought vs. how you think now.

As a side note, I feel before any progress I made wasn’t as meaningful as it’s been lately. Lately, I’ve seen internal growth in myself more and more each day so now I’m not as blind to physical changes. With that, here is the very first picture I took at Plyofit vs. a photo we took this week. A span of 1 year and 7 months.

So, I had a win today. Lately, I’ve been noticing more and more non-scale victories which have made me much more appreciative of some of the hard work I’ve been putting in at the gym. Today was a good day.

Before I get into a couple of my victories, I want to reflect back on this time last year.

Last year, August 2017, we were heading back to school and we had convocation at Trinity. I remember being a little apprehensive because of my anxiety with new places and just not knowing my environment. I’ve written about my anxiety before and I can’t stress how much it can throw me off my game. At the time, my anxiety was that I’d never really been to the auditorium we were going to, it was just a crazy amount of people, and there was going to be a lot of walking. Last year, I was pleasantly surprised that I did not have trouble walking around or handling the stairs. It was much easier than it had ever been. I remember even having that private moment in my head where I couldn’t believe that I was not having that much of a stressful time. I even texted Carlos about my ‘win’.

Now, this year was different. I wasn’t as nervous to actually attend convocation. I think I’ve made a lot of progress when it comes to my anxiety, but I guess it never really goes away. I haven’t had too many conversations about these anxieties (only with selective people) because they are personal and a little embarrassing. Well, a lot embarrassing to me. Now, I say that I wasn’t as nervous, only because I was nervous. It’s really silly, but one thing that had me not really wanting to go was we had to take a bus ride to the event. Buses and I don’t go together. Partly because of my hips. Trying to get down an aisle of a bus is crazy ridiculous when you have wide hips and a big butt. I’ve always struggled with this. Usually, if I had to ride a school bus for some reason, I made it a point to sit in the front and got on the bus first so I didn’t have to bump into people up and down the aisle.  I mean it’s not that I couldn’t get to the back seats but it was not easy.  I mean not easy at all. Like really not easy.

BUT…(pun intended) This year I sat in the middle.  Also, I made the bus wait for me because I was chattin’ it up with Melissa and Lesley so when I got to the bus it was full of people. I didn’t stress out about having to walk down the aisle with a bus full of people. I hopped on, walked down the aisle, and found a seat. Honestly, it was such a beautiful and silly moment for me and I felt proud for that moment.

Other small victories…seats were comfy, stairs were easy to climb, and lots of compliments from people I hadn’t seen all summer. All good things to warm a girl’s heart. It was a good day.