Author: BetteRocker

So, I’m not sure if I’m back or not. Kind of just wanted to get on here and write a bit. I’ve been doing okay but life has been hard. After losing Matt, time kind of sped up and stood still for the last 7 months. I miss him a lot.

It’s weird because before he passed away, I was on a streak of trying to get myself back into the doctor to try and see what was going on. There wasn’t anything alarming or anything, other than my weight, but I just sort of needed that piece of mind that said that I’ve at least had a check up and if anything was wrong, I could try to fix it.

Right before he died, I had gone in for my woman’s wellness and mammogram. Those all came out good but then I stopped because everything was just crashing all around me. Mom was sick, Matt was gone, and I really didn’t know what to do. It was so hard. I felt like every time I turned around, I was getting punched.

But those are all things that have happened. Things that I can’t control but I could control at least going back to the doctor so I did. I knew Matt would have wanted me to finish my check-ups. During the time before Matt had died, I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was stressed and was eating anything and everything. When I went in for that first blood work, my numbers were terrible but I’ve been working on it, seriously, since about late October. I’ve had two other blood draws since and my numbers have gone back down to a normal place where they should be.

I haven’t really been working out. I think that being on leave from work sort of threw me off and I just made excuses. So far, at least the scale has gone down about 45 lbs since late October ‘23. Right now, that’s makes me feel good. Now, to get back into the gym.

It’s been about a week where I have really tried to put a lot of effort into my health. We’ve eaten well over the week. Friday was the only day we ordered dinner out and that was because we had already planned it. For once, it was intentional. It wasn’t me calling home to see what we should have for dinner and then us being being so done with not having a plan that I pick up food. It was planning, making sure we had options and eating at home. My bank account certainly thanked me. It’s crazy how much you can save by making your own food. I already knew that but the convenience usually outweighs everything especially when you go home tired. Although, I’ll say this week I was not as tired. I drank my water, ate healthier, slowed down on the diet soda. I didn’t have a Sprite Zero until Friday. Good week, actually.

I did not exercise. But I wasn’t feeling too terrible about it because I needed the time to just figure some things out and maybe not jump in over my head. I like to exercise. I can be lazy sometimes but I’ve had those times where you just don’t feel like it and then it’s just a good time. I wasn’t trying not to exercise, I just had to prioritize some other things for the week because I knew they were more difficult. The goal today is to move some and then get back to it tomorrow. Also, plan out the menu.

Also, I just needed a boost. I think with the week going as well as it did, I know it’s doable to get a great routine going.

I’m not even going to look back at the date of my last blog. Pretty sure that it has been more than a year. Not that I haven’t wanted to write but I just haven’t been feeling the writing. Almost like there was too much to say about all the things that were going on in my brain so it was easier to just not say them. Writing this even gives me a little bit of anxiety as I try to timeline all the stuff that happened over the course of the last year. Pretty sure the last thing that I wrote about was close to the time that I had a Covid. Not really something I want to revisit.

Anyway, so probably one of the biggest things that I did that I haven’t written about is that I was prescribed a medicine to handle my depression/anxiety. Just talking with different people and the experience that they have had with meds, I think I was lucky that the first thing that I was prescribed helped A LOT. Sometimes the first thing doesn’t work but mine just helped clear my brain and made me so much more productive. It also cleared out all those negative thoughts. I was struggling with the idea that every time I interacted with someone, I was just letting them down. I felt very worthless and it made me feel so down. Honestly, I haven’t always had that feeling when it came to how people felt about me but I did have it about how I felt about myself. So, it was strange. I would just have these times that I would break down but I really didn’t quite understand why. It’s not like people were actively putting me down or being ugly to me. It was really all made up in my brain. Probably more about how I felt about myself. Either way, I knew I wasn’t quite myself so I asked for help after talking to Matt about it. After talking to my doctor, she also mentioned that these may also have been due to Covid. Maybe not all, but the intensity. Either way, it’s been a big help that she recommended the medication.

So, I’ve been thinking. Dangerous, I know. But I think it’s time to set those goals again. Now that I’ve gotten a bit of help with my mental health, I really want to push this year coming up. Last night, I sat down and really thought about some things I wanted to focus on. I have some big goals and I have some daily goals that I’m working on. New Year’s resolutions are always fun and I’m pretty excited to start some this year but I know that I will make it harder to reach those unless I have my daily goals in place.

Let’s talk goals and systems/habits! You can’t have one without the other! And these are broken down to the bare bones but ALL systems will definitely help with ALL goals. I just want to remind myself that I want to build these systems/habits that will help me attain my goals.

1. System/Habit: Daily Exercise
2. Goal: Rock ‘n’ Roll 5k/10k
3. System/Habit: Meal Plan/Prep
4. Goal: Lose Some Weight
5. System/Habit: Sleep Routine, Hydration
6. Goal: Energized; Not So Tired
7. System/Habit: Take meds daily, Blog
8. Goal: Clear my head; don’t bury feelings

There are way more for this list but I’ll end the list here, for now. Next time I’ll write, I’ll go more in-depth with my goals for the upcoming year.

One of the things I’m really going to work on is my excuses. I’ve made myself really believe in some of the ones that I’ve come up with. I’ve been guilty over the last few months of just making up problems that really didn’t exist to get out of reaching my goals. One being that there just isn’t any time. Yeah, that’s not true. Although I may have been tired or just in a bad mood, there was always time to take a walk or lift some weights. I know enough to make myself a small series of exercises. Okay, I can copy a series that Carlos has made me and call it my own. Either way, I have the resources. I have made myself a pretty great gym in my garage and I need to use it more often. It just stares at me when I come home from work. Speaking of, one thing that always has sort of stayed with me since I got my treadmill was something Carlos mentioned. He said that before I even enter the house, get on the treadmill for even just a few minutes so that I can get a little exercise in. Honestly, I’ve never done this. Not proud of this but it has just really never happened. I’m not going to promise that I will always do this but I’m going to try my best to at least use my equipment a lot more from now on when I’m not able to get in a full workout, whether on my own or with Carlos. I’ll make sure to keep that good advice and actually follow through some days.

So this is getting pretty long. I have a quite a bit more to say but I’m going to end it here.

One of the hardest things to do is admit when you need to change because what you are doing is not working. Everyone else can see it but it just may have have taken you a little longer to admit it.

Over the last two years, I’ve struggled, in a lot of ways. I’ve slowly, or at least unnoticeably, started to treat all of my situations with everything being all or nothing. In this case, actions definitely speak louder than words, even if actions are non-existent. It started with one piece of my life and now it’s just taken over. It’s like one side of my brain is screaming that there is so much to do but you can’t even do it because there isn’t any time. Then the other side of my brain is calmly relaying that there is so much time but we just aren’t using it wisely and maybe being lazy to start. We are taking the easy road and just sweeping everything under the rug.

This has been tough because I have, although recently, started to accept that this has been the reason why I’m struggling. The mindset that I once had has become so muddled with excuses and reasons to pause my goals or even why I’ve backtracked. I don’t necessarily feel like I’ve failed but I don’t feel like myself. I don’t like it. Almost like I’ve given up.

In this post, I really just want to focus on my health journey. Although there are so many things I could write about.

So, first of all, let’s say what I’m feeling. I miss everything. I miss being happy when it comes to my health journey. I miss all of the new feelings and all of the exciting things that went along with just learning about it. That was my fault. As COVID hit, I let everything else in my life take priority and I forgot just how much I loved this part of my life. It saved me for those years. Honestly, it made me a better person, not only to others, but to myself. I was nicer to myself and the consistency of being a part of something was a feeling like no other. It felt great to work for something and see results.

Now what? Is this me feeling sorry for myself. Not necessarily. This is me just acknowledging the fact that this is, and will always, be hard work. This is me admitting to myself that I need to feel that feeling again in order to get back what I lost. Mentally, I’ve always known that this has always been the part that has been missing but I struggled to ask for help or even take that first step back into it. And I mean really into it. I’m not going to say that I’ve completely given it up but, again, I don’t feel like myself so I know that I need to bring the commitment back into the equation. Start feeling that self-worth and self-love again that I started to learn on this journey.

Speaking about self-love, let’s talk about that for a minute. Because it’s important. Now, more than ever. I’ve always struggled with this. Maybe when I was younger I masked it a little bit more but as I got older it took me a long time to really understand what self-love was. I didn’t quite know how to handle how I felt about myself or how I look at myself. Or even how other people look at me. Through this journey, I still struggled all the time. Honestly, the simplest thing like looking at myself in the mirror is a struggle, all of the time.

The part that kills me is the weight. I have gained weight during this time. No one ever wants to say this out loud because it hurts. It hurts your heart. Digs at your very soul. Yeah, in that super dramatic way. It makes you relive all the hardwork that you put in.

Storytime…very relevant when it comes to talking about the struggle.

I went to Plyofit on Saturday. I’ve sort of have had a hard time about going in since I had COVID. But really is that it…? Is that the only reason that I haven’t gone in? I’d like to say that’s the only reason. Maybe it’s the only good reason, if there are any. I guess the biggest reason is that I’m afraid to bring something to my husband. Also, I don’t want to get sick again. Then there are the reasons that live inside my head…

1. Lack of Consistency would show exactly how my stamina has changed.
2. My weight.
3. I’m embarrassed.

I didn’t say any of these were good reasons. Nonetheless, they are reasons that drag me down.

So, back to my story….I drove to Plyofit on Saturday morning with the intention of walking. Walking around the block is much better than my driveway, as I live on a very busy street. I get there and I park 5 different times. I mean, I literally parked the truck and then moved 5 different times to new parking spots. As I parked, the thought came to my mind to just leave. It’s not like Carlos knew I was there. Why? I don’t know. I wasn’t ready to go in, maybe. I stopped to talk to someone. Why? Well, because he was a friend but I totally would have been okay if we talked for the entire time that I was supposed to be inside. But we don’t talk for long so I go in. Like it’s my first time ever being there. I felt like I didn’t belong there. I felt like a stranger even though I new every single person there and we even exchanged greetings. So why the feelings of doubt?Because I had changed. I was not the person that left the Plyofit walls when COVID hit. I was a stranger. But then I wasn’t. Things sort of fell into place but I still just had that self-doubt. Don’t get me wrong, these feelings come in layers. This is just one layer. The layer that talks down to you and makes you feel like crap. On top of that I have the more positive person that I know I am but is just a little harder to believe. Sometimes it’s just easier to listen to the one that wants to give up. So I do my thing. I was only there to walk so I did a mile, came in, and rolled my feet. Then I wanted to talk to Carlos about something. I figured he already knew but still felt it important to say it. I told him that I wasn’t going to be doing the 10k. I didn’t like it. He said he knew. Honestly, I had been thinking about it for a long time. I knew the reasons that I wasn’t going to do it but I struggled because the reasons I wanted to do it were there, as well. It’s just something that I’m going to have to work harder at. Well, that, and just being super honest with myself when it came to this journey.

I know why I’m not doing the 10k. I’m not upset about it but I’m more disappointed that I didn’t quite hold on strong enough. Although, I’m still in my journey, I couldn’t bring myself to quite go All In. A lot of factors in that subconscious decision from other parts of my life. Something to learn from, definitely. Also, something to prioritize, as well.

This all sounds so negative. But it really isn’t. It’s reality and it’s how I feel. I never left the journey, but I know I can give more and fight through those layers of self-doubt.

Tomorrow will be week 3 back at work and it’s been good. The first 3 days that I was back were not fun. I could feel just how tired I was and my breathing wasn’t great. Then I just felt better. It may have just been what was in the air that was bringing me down. That week I received some more allergy medicines and another month of breathing treatments so that helped a lot.

I’ve been taking my breathing treatments but it’s not longer 8 treatments a day. One of them is needed only if I am wheezing, which I haven’t had that in a while. The other I’m now only taking 1-2 times a day. Today I needed it but it was what is being brought by the tropical storm. I could feel all the allergens as soon as I walked outside. It just left me a little breathless.

Other than that, things seem to be going back to normal. My muscles don’t ache as much. Honestly, it was probably due to the lack of movement that I had for those 3 weeks of being sick. When I jumped back into work and just life, it was just the getting back into the swing of things. While I was sick I had bad leg cramps especially one in my right calf. I’ve been working on it with the massage gun and it’s better. Just lingering a little.

Also, I’m still taking meds for acid reflux but hopefully that will go away soon. I didn’t have it before so hopefully it will eventually just go away. For now, I’ll just take the medicine.

But I feel good. Good enough to start exercising again! I really did miss it. It had been awhile that I had really felt like I was giving my 100% in any of the exercising I was doing. I wasn’t even attending Plyofit sessions like I should have been. Honestly, it was just me. I was tired and just down on everything. I just needed a reset. With the pandemic, everything was just so tiring to me. It put me in a mood and made me get off track.

So, what’s different with the whole exercise thing? It’s a little hard to explain because the experience of Covid had me relating the experience to a few years ago. Mostly, being out of breath. Now, don’t get me wrong, before going to the ER was an experience like no other. The only time that maybe I can recall being that out of breath was having walking pneumonia but even that wasn’t as bad. It was more of the realization that my ”being out of breath” due to Covid was nothing like ”being out of breath” due to exercise. The difference being, of course, that one feels like you are suffocating. While going through that, I worried that I wasn’t going to be able to exercise again. Thinking that the breath would never come back like it was. After receiving some medicine, my breathing got better but I kept feeling like I felt when I would struggle to climb a steep hill. My breathing was shallow but I’m pretty much recovered. I really do believe that my lungs have become so much stronger due to Plyofit. I’d like to think that Plyo also helped with just the recovery of being sick.

As far as my journey, I’ve realized that it’s okay to continue where you left off. I struggled a lot with the experience of not quite following through over the last year. My mentality was a little too ”I’ve already messed up so I might as wait until tomorrow”. That type of thinking really does hinder everything. At first it was my diet, then my exercise, then it sort of seeped into other parts of my life. Probably put me into a depressed mood so it was easy to justify all the plates I juggled falling to the ground. Not even attempting to pick them up. It’s exhausting to live like that.

So, now what?

Well, it’s time to jump back in. I’m not going to say it was going through Covid that pushed me back in, but it was a big factor. I’ve really just been thinking about what changes to make that will make me better. Make me feel like I’m working towards feeling and just being better.

I don’t want to be here, same day, next year and feel the same way that I felt this year. Time passes so quickly and I want to use my time to try new things and keep working on myself. I think getting back on track with some diet and exercise is exactly what I need. It’s what I’ve been craving for myself. I like the way that being successful and learning about these things makes me feel. I think also just putting myself out there is something that I need to be better at when it comes to diet/exercise. I want this journey to be fulfilling. I don’t want it to weigh me down or feel like a chore. I want it to be a learning experience for myself. Something that makes me feel like myself again.

Last thing, I want to make this blog something that I can use to document better. I know that my postings have been few and far between but I think it’s time to amp it up. Not just with blog postings but with pictures and even adding something about nutrition. It’s a work in progress but I’m going to change it up a bit.

Thought I’d just hop on to give a quick run down. I know it’s a stray from my usual topics but COVID kind of kicked my butt.

It was my first day back at work. Honestly, I took it easy so it made the day creep by. I just didn’t have the energy and my cough was ongoing. I came home and slept from about 6:30pm until 9:30pm. Not the best idea. Hopefully, I can sleep tonight after taking my meds and doing a breathing treatment.

Slowly, I’ll get back to my original content. My patience seems to always be wearing thin but I know that I will get over this. There are so many things that I want to be writing about soon. Going through this really put a lot of things into perspective and my brain has sort of shifted. We’ll talk about that soon. I’ve had a lot of things on my mind.

I hope to get back into a good workout routine soon. It may be a little while but I’ll get there. I miss it.

I’ll try to get back on tomorrow to just check in.

Wow. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve written ANYTHING. What a shame especially since I have always enjoyed writing. I think it’s a good time to start again, though. After the last three weeks, I need to at least start writing for my mental health again. It’s such a stress reliever, most of the time.

So, the last three weeks have been rough. On August 12, I found out that I tested positive for COVID. Not ideal. Honestly, I thought I just had a sinus infection or something. I had checked the mold count and it was high so I just used my nasal spray and some allergy meds to help it. On Wednesday was when it was really bothering me but by Thursday the sinus pressure was gone. Since I work at school, we test weekly for COVID and on Thursday I was notified so I didn’t go in in to work.

So, I stayed home. In the beginning my symptoms were the sinus pressure and I was exhausted. I slept so much over the next 6 days and could not eat. My poor husband made me eat at least a little because he knew that was best. Also, I was freezing for all of those days that I needed four blankets. I figured it would eventually stop. It didn’t. During days 4, 5, & 6 I had stomach issues, as well.

During this time, everyone was checking on me but there wasn’t much I could say except that I was okay. I should have known better. At this point, I had developed a small cough but I was still breathing. I was checking my oxygen with an oximeter and it was going low. I had hit 91 but I really didn’t know what to do with that information. My mom kept checking on me and that night she said that I was going to the ER. I fought her for a few minutes but I knew she wasn’t going to take no for an answer so I got in the truck and drove myself. I didn’t want Matt to take me since he had been able to avoid getting it to this point so I didn’t want him to become exposed while he drove me to the hospital.

I drove to the Hondo hospital and my mom met me there. It was then that I realized that I actually couldn’t breathe. I got off the truck and walked in to the hospital and I couldn’t catch my breath to talk to the nurse. Finally, when I was able to talk to her, they put me in the closed off room for COVID patients and had me take my vitals there. They took them so many times. My oxygen was at 90, I had a fever of 102, and my breathing wasn’t great.

The doctor said that he wanted to give me the regeneron treatment so they discharged me from the ER and took me into the hospital. Honestly, it was scary because it was 1am and I honestly had no idea what to expect. It was also scary because you feel so alone as they do everything to protect themselves from being exposed to you. The last thing you want is to get someone sick but you also feel so helpless since there isn’t much you can do.

For the regeneron treatment, the nurse wheeled me into the hospital. Honestly, I had told him I could walk but I would never have been able to walk by myself. He told me he would take me in the wheelchair and I’m glad he did. They took me to this isolated hospital room where they took all my vitals again and then placed an IV for the regeneron. It took about 30 min prep, 30 min for the IV, and then you had to stay an hour to make sure you didn’t have a reaction. I was driving home with my mom following around 3am and I fell asleep sitting up on the sofa.

I will say that the regeneron gave me energy that I hadn’t had since I tested positive. I still couldn’t breathe but I felt different.

The next day I had a teledoc appointment with the doctor from the clinic I go to. She prescribed a lot of meds for me to start taking. I had 2 inhalants for the nebulizer, an antibiotic, a steroid, a cough medicine, and some allegery meds that she recommended to help. It took another week for me to start feeling better.

I’m not 100% right now but I’m much better than I was.

So, things have been super hectic. I’m not sure if I’ll make it through the the month of May but fingers crossed. Actually, I had a sort of come to Jesus moment with myself the other day because things were starting to get a little crazy. I’ve noticed that one of the things that I’ve really been dealing with is my overthinking. It’s been awhile since I’ve let my negative self-talk take control. Right now, it’s in control. I know it because I can feel just how much I put myself down on a daily basis. At first you think that it may be coming from other places but then you realize that it’s all internal. That’s rough. I’d like to think that a lot of it comes from just wanting to be in control and still being new to some of the things that I am doing in my work. This last month has probably been the hardest. I’ve let it get to me and it’s effected many areas of my life including my job, my health/fitness journey, and even my home life. When I really start to think about it, I realize that it’s made my confidence just plummet completely.

I’ve always had a sort of issue with my confidence not being super great but over the years I’ve learned a lot about myself and, believe me, things have been much better than they were. A lot of it has to do with my “stepping out of my comfort zone” and doing things like working out. Joining the community I’m in really helped with building that confidence. I think right now, though, I’ve sort of backtracked a little in my own way because I completely ‘over analyze’ everything lately. I think mainly it stems from not being super confident/comfortable in anything I do lately. In all areas of my life. Not just health/fitness.

The other day I had a conversation with my friend that I hadn’t seen in awhile. I always love talking to her because she brings me back to center. She always asks those ‘why’ questions when I make a statement about how I’m feeling or how I think others are perceiving me. She asked me the other day how I was feeling. This always leads to great conversations because most of the time, her goals are usually lined up closely with mine. I told her I was feeling stuck because I really didn’t seem to care much about the things that I normally care about. Something that I realized, as well, was that I felt stuck. But not like stuck in that I’m moving nowhere, more like stuck, where I’m being pulled in a few directions but not quite moving. Let me paint a picture…

So, I’m on a boat in a river. It looks peaceful and I’m alone. Normally, you would move with the current. Well, I’ve dropped anchor and I’ll be there awhile. The thing is, though, I still have some room to move. The anchor’s chain has quite a bit of slack. I’m swaying one way because that seems like a good way to go but then I get this overwhelming feeling of ‘meh’ and I sway another way. Sometimes when I sway a different way, I get this overwhelming feeling and fixate on how to make it happen even though I’m stuck.

Okay, let’s compare this feeling to something that happened to me the other day. Hopefully, this will make my picture make a little more sense. So, the other day, I was at Plyo. I had a pretty good week in the gym and I was pretty proud of the consistency of just being there. It’s been pretty hard lately with work and a lot of the times I’m pretty hard on myself for not ‘putting in the effort’. At least the effort could have been more focused and deliberate. So, back to what happened…I was finishing up by doing a lap. As I’m rounding the corner to go back into Plyo, through the open bay, I realize that a car was behind me. I didn’t know since I had my headphones on. I waved at them and said that I was sorry and didn’t realize they were waiting on me. There was a guy about my age who was driving and he said not to worry and he was just waiting for me since he knew I hadn’t seen him. Well, he pulled up beside me at that point and started to talk to me. He was very nice but at them same time I felt a little put off by him. Don’t get me wrong…I get this conversation every now and then from people. So he asked how I was and how things were going. We made small talk and then he told me that one of the things that helped him out with his health was trying ___________________ <—— Insert diet here. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against these. If you are successful with these things, go for it. I’ve read up on a lot of things including these two and with, what I’ve read, I don’t think that it would be a good fit for me. Just knowing myself, I don’t think I could sustain these two things. So, at this point, I’m not mad at this guy. Obviously, I don’t know him. He wasn’t being rude and he was only sharing what worked for him. So, I think this is where I’m on my boat. The anchor is down. And I have these suggestions this man, who I do not know, has made. And I’m a little swayed. Like my boat can move in any direction and I’m so desperate to move from the place that I am, that I consider doing these things because it worked for this guy, who I don’t know. That seems a little ridiculous. Again, not the ideas but the fact that I’m willing to do something just out of the sheer hope that they will work for me because they worked for him. I really contemplated trying these out.

Also, I think another reason that I sort of fixated on this guy’s conversation with me is because, at least I think, he didn’t realize that I’m working on it. From what I gather, he automatically assumed that this was the beginning of my journey. Look, I know I have a lot to go but from where I started to now, I’ve made a lot of gains. He didn’t know that but he obviously didn’t seem to care. He was just trying to put his ideals on me assuming that I haven’t done all of my research or had a whole gym of people in my corner or had a great trainer who is my expert. Honestly, I didn’t tell him anything because it didn’t seem necessary at the time but it kind of ticked me off a bit because he only had assumptions based off of what he saw.

I thought about this conversation with this guy all weekend. Something bothered me about it. Mainly, my reaction. I was easily swayed for just a bit.

I know that only I can lift that anchor so I can move freely. Not some guy that I met on the street.

I think I did pretty well with blogging this month. Including this one, I had 19 entries for Jan 2021. Not bad. It’s funny because I started it out with the goal of writing for 30 days straight. I had to reassess because it just wasn’t coming as natural as I would like. The good thing is that I think about it daily now. If there is something that is super important and I need to write about it, I don’t feel too stressed to do it because it’s not as hard as I was making it out to be. The app for writing in this program is super good.

I’m just trying to write about whatever I want nowadays. I think about what are some things that I need to at least get off of my chest for the day. Right now I have a big stress on me and it is just really annoying.

Sometime mid-January, I did something to my arm/shoulder. I thought for sure it was just sore. It got a little worse at times but it didn’t hurt too much and it really didn’t hurt when I worked out. I then got my first vaccine and got really sore but figured the arm hurt due to the shot.

Still though, it hurt more than usual. I let a few days pass thinking the arm would get better. I got the vaccine Monday. I didn’t work out on Monday or Tuesday. I did workout on Wednesday. Couldn’t workout on Thursday or Saturday due to work.

This past Friday, I could not stand the pain and left work for a little while to see if I could see a doctor. Honestly, I don’t know why I even do that. I should have made an appointment with my own doctor and not gone to an urgent care. I had the worst experience there. I had a melt down. Complete meltdown.

So, I’m at the clinic. They are pretty quick to take me in. The intake is done. She asks me questions and takes my vitals. I tell her my arm hurts because I hurt it somehow. But I tell her that it’s gotten worse because when I move my head back a certain way, I feel this pain at the top of my arm, and then the pain radiates all the way down to about the elbow area and then my fingers tingle. They don’t go numb but they feel like they just woke up from being numb.

Before I went to the clinic, I figured it was a pinched nerve. I’ve had one in the same area before.

When I told the intake nurse and then the doctor about the pain, she said that it sounded like a pinched nerve but she wanted some x-rays. So, I went to take some x-rays and then they had me wait for the doctor. She came in with the x-ray and told me that I had a narrow space in between two of my vertebrae that are pinching on the nerve. She said I needed vitamin D and calcium because it could be the start of arthritis. She told me she was going to prescribe a medicine that would help with the tingling sensation I was getting and not to tilt my head back and it wouldn’t hurt anymore. The whole time she was talking, she had one foot out the door. She then started to head out. I’m not proud but I lost my shit when she told me not to tilt my head back anymore so it wouldn’t hurt.

I told her that I didn’t appreciate her pushing me aside and I especially didn’t appreciate that she was ready to leave before I could ask her any questions about anything. I cried. Sometimes I do that when I’m upset. Again, I’m not proud but she needed to know that I needed more information. I didn’t know what the medicine was for, she didn’t really give me any information on what could be going on, plus a lot of other things. I’m pretty sure it was the pain that was driving my emotions but still. I think I deserved better care. She turned back, probably because I was making a scene. I told her not to bother that I did not need anything else and would just settle the bill.

So, I think I freaked her out. She shut the door and apologized. She gave me way more information and then asked me if I wanted a shot. I was dumbfounded. I mean, I know what kind of shot she meant but I didn’t understand why she was offering it to me now. She said her other patients sometimes ask for a shot of cortisol. So, I asked her if she suggested I take a shot. She said yes. Weird. So, why didn’t she ask me before? So, she left me and told me that the nurse was going to get it ready. When the nurse came by I asked her to ask the doctor if she thought it was wise to take the cortisol injection if I just had the 1st vaccine. The doctor came in the room to tell me that I should not take the cortisol injection because it was suppress my immune system and that would not be good for the vaccine shot.

So, she gave me a pain reliever to get by.

I am still in pain. My fingers are still tingling. Ugh. I need to make an appointment.

It’s been a few days since I’ve posted but only because I’ve been super tired. Got my vaccine on Monday night and that was a little draining. My arm has been giving me a little trouble lately too and has led to the bulk of the pain. I think it’s time to see a doc. Pinched nerve, maybe.