So, things have been super hectic. I’m not sure if I’ll make it through the the month of May but fingers crossed. Actually, I had a sort of come to Jesus moment with myself the other day because things were starting to get a little crazy. I’ve noticed that one of the things that I’ve really been dealing with is my overthinking. It’s been awhile since I’ve let my negative self-talk take control. Right now, it’s in control. I know it because I can feel just how much I put myself down on a daily basis. At first you think that it may be coming from other places but then you realize that it’s all internal. That’s rough. I’d like to think that a lot of it comes from just wanting to be in control and still being new to some of the things that I am doing in my work. This last month has probably been the hardest. I’ve let it get to me and it’s effected many areas of my life including my job, my health/fitness journey, and even my home life. When I really start to think about it, I realize that it’s made my confidence just plummet completely.
I’ve always had a sort of issue with my confidence not being super great but over the years I’ve learned a lot about myself and, believe me, things have been much better than they were. A lot of it has to do with my “stepping out of my comfort zone” and doing things like working out. Joining the community I’m in really helped with building that confidence. I think right now, though, I’ve sort of backtracked a little in my own way because I completely ‘over analyze’ everything lately. I think mainly it stems from not being super confident/comfortable in anything I do lately. In all areas of my life. Not just health/fitness.
The other day I had a conversation with my friend that I hadn’t seen in awhile. I always love talking to her because she brings me back to center. She always asks those ‘why’ questions when I make a statement about how I’m feeling or how I think others are perceiving me. She asked me the other day how I was feeling. This always leads to great conversations because most of the time, her goals are usually lined up closely with mine. I told her I was feeling stuck because I really didn’t seem to care much about the things that I normally care about. Something that I realized, as well, was that I felt stuck. But not like stuck in that I’m moving nowhere, more like stuck, where I’m being pulled in a few directions but not quite moving. Let me paint a picture…
So, I’m on a boat in a river. It looks peaceful and I’m alone. Normally, you would move with the current. Well, I’ve dropped anchor and I’ll be there awhile. The thing is, though, I still have some room to move. The anchor’s chain has quite a bit of slack. I’m swaying one way because that seems like a good way to go but then I get this overwhelming feeling of ‘meh’ and I sway another way. Sometimes when I sway a different way, I get this overwhelming feeling and fixate on how to make it happen even though I’m stuck.
Okay, let’s compare this feeling to something that happened to me the other day. Hopefully, this will make my picture make a little more sense. So, the other day, I was at Plyo. I had a pretty good week in the gym and I was pretty proud of the consistency of just being there. It’s been pretty hard lately with work and a lot of the times I’m pretty hard on myself for not ‘putting in the effort’. At least the effort could have been more focused and deliberate. So, back to what happened…I was finishing up by doing a lap. As I’m rounding the corner to go back into Plyo, through the open bay, I realize that a car was behind me. I didn’t know since I had my headphones on. I waved at them and said that I was sorry and didn’t realize they were waiting on me. There was a guy about my age who was driving and he said not to worry and he was just waiting for me since he knew I hadn’t seen him. Well, he pulled up beside me at that point and started to talk to me. He was very nice but at them same time I felt a little put off by him. Don’t get me wrong…I get this conversation every now and then from people. So he asked how I was and how things were going. We made small talk and then he told me that one of the things that helped him out with his health was trying ___________________ <—— Insert diet here. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against these. If you are successful with these things, go for it. I’ve read up on a lot of things including these two and with, what I’ve read, I don’t think that it would be a good fit for me. Just knowing myself, I don’t think I could sustain these two things. So, at this point, I’m not mad at this guy. Obviously, I don’t know him. He wasn’t being rude and he was only sharing what worked for him. So, I think this is where I’m on my boat. The anchor is down. And I have these suggestions this man, who I do not know, has made. And I’m a little swayed. Like my boat can move in any direction and I’m so desperate to move from the place that I am, that I consider doing these things because it worked for this guy, who I don’t know. That seems a little ridiculous. Again, not the ideas but the fact that I’m willing to do something just out of the sheer hope that they will work for me because they worked for him. I really contemplated trying these out.
Also, I think another reason that I sort of fixated on this guy’s conversation with me is because, at least I think, he didn’t realize that I’m working on it. From what I gather, he automatically assumed that this was the beginning of my journey. Look, I know I have a lot to go but from where I started to now, I’ve made a lot of gains. He didn’t know that but he obviously didn’t seem to care. He was just trying to put his ideals on me assuming that I haven’t done all of my research or had a whole gym of people in my corner or had a great trainer who is my expert. Honestly, I didn’t tell him anything because it didn’t seem necessary at the time but it kind of ticked me off a bit because he only had assumptions based off of what he saw.
I thought about this conversation with this guy all weekend. Something bothered me about it. Mainly, my reaction. I was easily swayed for just a bit.
I know that only I can lift that anchor so I can move freely. Not some guy that I met on the street.