This is not defeat…

One of the hardest things to do is admit when you need to change because what you are doing is not working. Everyone else can see it but it just may have have taken you a little longer to admit it.

Over the last two years, I’ve struggled, in a lot of ways. I’ve slowly, or at least unnoticeably, started to treat all of my situations with everything being all or nothing. In this case, actions definitely speak louder than words, even if actions are non-existent. It started with one piece of my life and now it’s just taken over. It’s like one side of my brain is screaming that there is so much to do but you can’t even do it because there isn’t any time. Then the other side of my brain is calmly relaying that there is so much time but we just aren’t using it wisely and maybe being lazy to start. We are taking the easy road and just sweeping everything under the rug.

This has been tough because I have, although recently, started to accept that this has been the reason why I’m struggling. The mindset that I once had has become so muddled with excuses and reasons to pause my goals or even why I’ve backtracked. I don’t necessarily feel like I’ve failed but I don’t feel like myself. I don’t like it. Almost like I’ve given up.

In this post, I really just want to focus on my health journey. Although there are so many things I could write about.

So, first of all, let’s say what I’m feeling. I miss everything. I miss being happy when it comes to my health journey. I miss all of the new feelings and all of the exciting things that went along with just learning about it. That was my fault. As COVID hit, I let everything else in my life take priority and I forgot just how much I loved this part of my life. It saved me for those years. Honestly, it made me a better person, not only to others, but to myself. I was nicer to myself and the consistency of being a part of something was a feeling like no other. It felt great to work for something and see results.

Now what? Is this me feeling sorry for myself. Not necessarily. This is me just acknowledging the fact that this is, and will always, be hard work. This is me admitting to myself that I need to feel that feeling again in order to get back what I lost. Mentally, I’ve always known that this has always been the part that has been missing but I struggled to ask for help or even take that first step back into it. And I mean really into it. I’m not going to say that I’ve completely given it up but, again, I don’t feel like myself so I know that I need to bring the commitment back into the equation. Start feeling that self-worth and self-love again that I started to learn on this journey.

Speaking about self-love, let’s talk about that for a minute. Because it’s important. Now, more than ever. I’ve always struggled with this. Maybe when I was younger I masked it a little bit more but as I got older it took me a long time to really understand what self-love was. I didn’t quite know how to handle how I felt about myself or how I look at myself. Or even how other people look at me. Through this journey, I still struggled all the time. Honestly, the simplest thing like looking at myself in the mirror is a struggle, all of the time.

The part that kills me is the weight. I have gained weight during this time. No one ever wants to say this out loud because it hurts. It hurts your heart. Digs at your very soul. Yeah, in that super dramatic way. It makes you relive all the hardwork that you put in.

Storytime…very relevant when it comes to talking about the struggle.

I went to Plyofit on Saturday. I’ve sort of have had a hard time about going in since I had COVID. But really is that it…? Is that the only reason that I haven’t gone in? I’d like to say that’s the only reason. Maybe it’s the only good reason, if there are any. I guess the biggest reason is that I’m afraid to bring something to my husband. Also, I don’t want to get sick again. Then there are the reasons that live inside my head…

  1. Lack of Consistency would show exactly how my stamina has changed.
  2. My weight.
  3. I’m embarrassed.

I didn’t say any of these were good reasons. Nonetheless, they are reasons that drag me down.

So, back to my story….I drove to Plyofit on Saturday morning with the intention of walking. Walking around the block is much better than my driveway, as I live on a very busy street. I get there and I park 5 different times. I mean, I literally parked the truck and then moved 5 different times to new parking spots. As I parked, the thought came to my mind to just leave. It’s not like Carlos knew I was there. Why? I don’t know. I wasn’t ready to go in, maybe. I stopped to talk to someone. Why? Well, because he was a friend but I totally would have been okay if we talked for the entire time that I was supposed to be inside. But we don’t talk for long so I go in. Like it’s my first time ever being there. I felt like I didn’t belong there. I felt like a stranger even though I new every single person there and we even exchanged greetings. So why the feelings of doubt?Because I had changed. I was not the person that left the Plyofit walls when COVID hit. I was a stranger. But then I wasn’t. Things sort of fell into place but I still just had that self-doubt. Don’t get me wrong, these feelings come in layers. This is just one layer. The layer that talks down to you and makes you feel like crap. On top of that I have the more positive person that I know I am but is just a little harder to believe. Sometimes it’s just easier to listen to the one that wants to give up. So I do my thing. I was only there to walk so I did a mile, came in, and rolled my feet. Then I wanted to talk to Carlos about something. I figured he already knew but still felt it important to say it. I told him that I wasn’t going to be doing the 10k. I didn’t like it. He said he knew. Honestly, I had been thinking about it for a long time. I knew the reasons that I wasn’t going to do it but I struggled because the reasons I wanted to do it were there, as well. It’s just something that I’m going to have to work harder at. Well, that, and just being super honest with myself when it came to this journey.

I know why I’m not doing the 10k. I’m not upset about it but I’m more disappointed that I didn’t quite hold on strong enough. Although, I’m still in my journey, I couldn’t bring myself to quite go All In. A lot of factors in that subconscious decision from other parts of my life. Something to learn from, definitely. Also, something to prioritize, as well.

This all sounds so negative. But it really isn’t. It’s reality and it’s how I feel. I never left the journey, but I know I can give more and fight through those layers of self-doubt.

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