Mental Wall

So, I’ve been on this new journey for about 2 months and have lost about 34 pounds. My clothes are starting to feel too big and that’s a great feeling.

I started with working out and then started cleaning up my eating. This also pushed me to start thinking about what I was drinking and, for the most part, now mainly drink water.

So far it has been a pleasant experience. I have people in my life, especially at work, that are doing the same thing and going to the same gym. This has helped tremendously.

It’s funny because I have had nothing but positive feelings except for this past Thursday. I went to work, was pumped for the gym and ready to do what I knew I needed to do. Even the best songs played on my Pandora on the way to the gym. When I got there I was greeted by my trainer, Carlos. He has helped me from the beginning.

I started on the elliptical and then went out for my walk. He asked me to do a mile. No big deal. I can do it. I may not be fast but I can do it. I’m not fast at all.

I did half. I was disappointed in myself.

I went in for water thinking I would go back out. But I didn’t think I could. I was hot and fatigued. I continued and let him know I would finish the other half in a while. He said to do whatever I was comfortable with at the time. He asked me if I wanted to continue inside. Of course, I wanted to. It’s not that I wasn’t physically able to, it’s that in the moment, I felt like I didn’t belong there. Almost lost. I’m not sure why. I’ve been welcomed by everyone with open arms and it has been amazing. But I lost it and hit a wall that night. I felt tears in my eyes. I finished my workout and went home, but not without the encouragement from my trainer. He helped me see that things like this happen and the important part is that I’m showing up.
I was able to talk to a really good friend, that has been a great encouragement through this whole process and she helped me talk through it, as well.

When I got home, my amazing husband listened to my crazy feelings and made me feel better.

I certainly do not want to feel that way again.