I’ve started this post about 10 times and I still can’t get my first sentence out…But here goes…It’s time. I’ve made excuses and forgotten my Why. It’s time to refocus on the reason that I began this journey. It’s time to remember all the reasons that I’ve continued this journey. It’s time to take all the chaos by the horns and show it who’s boss. I lost all the drive that kept me in the game and I let every single thing in my life, that wasn’t going well, mess with my head. I let it take over because I let it. I became someone that I wasn’t. Someone who gave up and made excuse after excuse. I lost the accountability that I set up for myself and it set me up for failure. I’m going to say it again. IT’S TIME. No more excuses. No more ‘start again tomorrows’ and definitely no more beating myself up about what I’m not doing because this is definitely something that I should be kicking ass in. There is definitely no time for pity parties. I have made a decision to start a new journey. A journey that I can, once again, be proud of. With goals that are attainable and motivating.
The first year that I started this weight loss journey was AMAZING. I had an incredible time. I felt like I could do anything. I felt powerful and strong. It’s been a long time since I’ve said that because I haven’t been feeling powerful or strong. I was feeling defeated because I wasn’t making the progress that I felt I should be making. Of course, this is my fault. I’ve had a lot of opportunities and little success over the last few months because of me. I’ve placed that hurdle in front of me and it seemed to get taller and taller with each day that passed. But this ends now. Honestly, I really do feel it’s because I’ve forgotten what it’s like to enjoy the journey. I’m repeating myself a lot in this post for a reason…so I’ll say it again.
I’ve forgotten what it’s like to ENJOY this journey.
I sat down and talked with my friend today. She struggles a lot with the same issues that I have. She has lost the weight but mentally feels drained. We seem to be going through a very similar period of time where we both feel like our self control has become something that has gotten out of hand. She said something to me today that made me realize that I need to change my outlook and not give in to my feelings. I need to remind myself that I am completely in charge. I can fail and it be okay but I have to keep going. It’s funny because lately, I hadn’t been feeling myself. I told her that I’ve felt like I’m just failing in general. But this is my anxiety talking. This is me creating scenarios that would never happen because there is no real reason for them to. This is me not really taking my journey seriously because I’m just battling with all sorts of anxiety. We even talked about medicine but I’m just not there. I don’t want to rely on something like medicine to help me with this. This is something that I have to learn to deal with because I know I can. This is a hurdle that I will get over. Or at least push down and crawl over.
It’s funny because Carlos and I talk a lot about how I’m feeling and why I’m feeling that way. This is one of the many reasons that I really treasure his friendship. I don’t feel like he’s listening to me because, as he says, ‘it’s part of his job as a trainer,’ I feel he does it because he wants to truly help me understand my journey as I’m going through it. The other day, though, I said something to him that truly saddened me. We were talking about all the anxieties I was having and I said that I felt like everything in my life was crumbling down. I don’t feel this is true but it felt true at the moment. I realize now that I kind of lost my way but I’m back…like I never left.